The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
New report indicates widespread overheating at an alarming rate, mainly in stadiums

Must be the lack of fans.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loosebutt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm clumsy and I have bump into things with alarming frequency.

About 6 hz a day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h8monster0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The alarming rate at which bees are dying off

Has been a real buzz kill

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doebro
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did The conservative get rid of his alarm clock?

Because every morning it wanted him to get woke

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piccolorick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...

My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The most important thing to me is my alarm clock

It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Whenever it rings, I get woke!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thoxis1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Your cell phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock....

Don't let it replace your family.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend told me as I walked in β€œhey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slebsta
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of ringing.

He is in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it...

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Had a chance to get frisky with the wife this morning, but my alarm went off.

I guess I got clock-blocked.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blue_cole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alarm that doesn’t go off ?

A dumbbell.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaelp667
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever tried eating an alarm clock?

I wouldn't recommend it, it's very time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpyfish5678
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chowderneck
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month...

But it’s costing me a fortune in houses...

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When my friend won the lottery he was alarmed out how many relatives started contacting him...

It was heir raising.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alarm clock that always goes off at 3am in the morning?

A [beep]ing nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atlantic14
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the fire alarm goes off during sex

A premature evacuation

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingpotato28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.

πŸ‘︎ 533
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between my stupid neighbour and an alarm clock?

Alarm clock screams before I punch it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.

None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.

"Oh, haven't you herd?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slekrons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife always complains about the gifts I buy for her. This time I got her a Tourette’s alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a smoke alarm.

It tells me when it's time for a cigarette.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Alarm clocks are great but the snooze button was even better. Because after sleeping for eight hours, what I need...

...is a nap.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I raised the alarm at work today....

The midgets were furious.

πŸ‘︎ 994
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kann0n
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a ride awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was quite a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 313
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.

They are in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My son is mad at his alarm clock,

He’s been calling it β€œFake snooze” 😴

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamWize-Ganji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m going to invent β€œalarm clock pants”.

To help everyone who’s legs keep falling asleep!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MorningBreath71
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What if you hit your alarm clock one morning and it hits you back?

That would be alarming.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatrandomfly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you ever eaten an alarm clock?

It’s very time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZuluGolfSierra
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
How did people wake up before alarm clocks?

They had alarm cocks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandCastello
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I was hungry, so I ate my alarm clock

It was pretty time consuming

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJPancaker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Alarms

Another word for Octopus.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"...

So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.

πŸ‘︎ 327
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
🚨︎ report

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