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The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it closed.
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Those who seek to get even only end up at greater odds.
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Those who sling mud end up only losing ground.
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Want a bouncier water bed? Just fill it with spring water.
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Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
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Keep your dreams alive -- quickly hit the snooze button.
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Don't worry about the bird flu too much -- it's tweetable.
They are a bunch of neigh sayers.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
Just keep running until you’re all pooped out.
Keep your friends close and your anenomes closer
Saved you a klick.
Then I realised belts can't talk
He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers."
"Don't forget to tip your server."
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I gave him my two cents.
A Consultant.
He tells his friend, “I’ve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just won’t change!”
“Woah there,” his friend says. “No need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.”
The man agrees and leaves. Later on the news, his friend sees that a someone from his friends place of work was murdered. Soon after, his friend appears at his door.
“Ok so I got his heart, what do I do now?”
How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?
He died of old adage...
When you wash your hands, make sure every area is COVID.
Me just now to the my kids:
“Make sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!”
It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).
My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.
Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.
So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.
He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."
I told by doctor I kept having a dream that I was a teepee, I was a wigwam. Teepee/Wigwam.
He told me my problem, I am too tense.
Apply daily.
Get a lot while you are young.
They are just big raisins.
They are always negative.
I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...
PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?
They go to sea kelp
A trid-ent true method
They’re just full of hot air.
Unless you run a bakery.
My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said “They just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.
He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.
What should I do?
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
Bulimia tried it.
Article of clothing
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.
he dropped the beet
The cow told me to live in the moo-ment.
“Ribbit.”
And make sure that these four men don't know each other.
According to my wife, throwing the toddler across the room was not the way to go.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Always date a girl with small hands.
Don't be a zombie, be a zomdo.
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Home Depot is having a sale.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
Go for the juggler
Whoops, wrong sub.
One never asks for unsolicited advice, because if you did, it would no longer be un.
Dr. Roof.
Damn! Wrong sub again!
He said "find yourself a younger woman." I asked why and he told me "because every woman is going to tell you their life story, theirs is a lot shorter."
Although it's about 99% sound and only 1% advice
Probably why I’m the only child.
Here's what you should do:
Step 1: Buy a sheep
Step 2: name it "Relation"
And now... *drumroll* ... you have a relationsheep
I wood
Advi
Her name is Wi-Fi BTW
Moo money, Moo problems
Me: Okayyyy....but why?
Dad: Because if you bet the other one you wont have any left.
He warned me not to do make any rash decisions
Even if you can't af-Ford it, Holden onto a vintage car is fun.
(just in case I need to mention it: Ford & Holden are two car manufacturers who've been in Australia for a long time)
Recently, she started closing her curtains...
They're always full of crap.
It might give bad feedback.
"Merry Christmas. I hope you get exactly what you deserve."
I promise, this never fails to raise eyebrows, but ultimately it's a nice Christmas wish :)
But, honestly, Geography is where it’s at.
5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life
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You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.
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You should find a woman that is a good cook.
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You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.
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You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you.
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Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
They always get their money’s worth
Edit: typo
Rib it.
They are always negative.
