Mamá M.I.A.
They're ribbeting.
Scar Brother!
.. is sphere itself.
Stallone said, “I’m making a movie about famous composers and I’m playing Beethoven.”
Van Damme quickly chimed in, “I’ll play Mozart.”
Schwarzenegger said, “Stop is guys. I’m not saying it.”
Like I explained: "Mini Hans make light work."
Pears… And then he proceeded to fall out of his chair laughing. Meanwhile mom wants to know how she could’ve tested for this before getting in too deep.
Indiana Bones: Raiders of the Lost Bark (source: Google joke of the day)
Vin Weasel
MISSION: IM-PASTA-BLE
You can hide, but you can't run!!!
Mama MIA! (credit to u/_fashionablyLate - Fashionably Late Comics.)
Sales assistant: I don't think we've got one that big.
The cast, made up of high-profile action stars, were choosing their roles.
Sylvester Stallone went "I want to be Mozart!". Bruce Willis said "Then I'll be Beethoven!" and Jean -Claude Van Damme, "I'll go with Tchaikovsky".
After a moment of silence, Arnold Schwarzenegger stood up, looked at everyone in the room, and said "I'll be Bach".
But you got to admit it was a bald move
However, some critics say that it needed a little less conversation and a little more action
....people need to be okay with the consequences of their actions.
Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
...because no ghost is willing to appear in a Live-action film.
Their products don't hold anywhere near the 22-37 pounds advertised on the package.
I said that sounds great just change your name to Cindy Larper
The judge sentenced his to prison and said his actions were a bomb in a bull.
A jar.
It's quite the afro disiac.
It's an ovary action.
I guess I had too many read bulls.
Jean-Claude Gundam
This is an original "shaggy dog story" style Dad joke that I wrote recently. Enjoy. :)
The whale watching witch
Remember the story of the wicked witch from Hansel & Gretel? Reports of her death were greatly exaggerated. What actually happened is simply that she retired from being a wicked witch. Instead she decided to become a good witch and travel around the globe by boat. Being a witch, she wasn't very conventional, so she went on eBay and bought herself an ex-navy submarine to use for travelling the world.
One day she decided to go whale watching. Our repentant witch cruised into whale watching territory in the comfort of her refurbished submarine. She neatly surfaced, and manoeuvred her sub into a position alongside several boats that were offering whale watching cruises to rich tourists. Armed with her favourite binoculars, she stood on the conning tower, hoping to get a good view of the action. She soon found herself admiring some giant whales frolicking together in the ocean.
Suddenly, one of the whales headed right for her submarine. Instantly, our friend the witch realized that the whale thought that her vessel would make a good dinner, and was about to swallow it whole. At the last moment, she leapt overboard, just managing to escape, as the mouth of the whale closed over her submarine, swallowing it in one giant gulp.
Meanwhile, one of the tourists on a nearby whale watching cruise had been filming everything. "You'll never believe what I saw!" he cried, "But I got it all on video, and I'm pretty sure it will go viral. I just saw a whale eating a sub sans witch!"
It was a sham trial
She struggled with the gas pump, trying to figure out how it worked, but had no luck. After about 5 minutes of fumbling with the nozzle, she finally was able to get the gas to flow, but not before she got gas all over her shirt. As she was driving off, she lit of cigarette, and instantly her arm caught fire. Nearby there was a cop, who just happened to have a fire extinguisher in his car. He quickly sprang into action, and managed to put the fire out before the lady got hurt. She thanked him, and many people who were nearby watching applauded his quick thinking. The cop then wrote her a ticket, because in California, it's illegal to wave a firearm out the window of a moving vehicle.
I have to make every second Count.
You can go to sleep while it's still light
I guess it was my one-night stand’s nightstand’s knight stand.
