Ever since my son told me he wanted a sex change they’ve stopped acknowledging me

I guess now I’m transparent

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/psykotic24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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A friend on facebook acknowledging all the men's rights activists for the holiday...

Happy New Year's Eve, everybody!

And to all you men's rights activists out there, Happy New Year's Adam.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/mydogsnameisrocky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Why did the NFL choose to acknowledge OJ Simpson as a part of the top 100 players?

Because he really was a killer running back.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/REVDR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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Was bored and made this. Please acknowledge
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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A Japanese mathematician wanted her professor, Mr Zero, to acknowledge her.

Notice me sin(pi)

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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My boyfriend refused to acknowledge me after this

Me: Do you know when bread goes bad?

Him: I don't know. Did you check the "Best by" date on the package?

Me: Hmm.. that's weird. There's no "Best by" on here, but there's a Circuit City.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ‘€︎ u/makesnocents
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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My 13-year-old told me he has an ant bite.

I asked if he has an Uncle Chew. He hasn't acknowledged me in half an hour. I can't stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ‘€︎ u/Socratio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I didn't even acknowledge this one.

Driving past a restaurant called Anaheim Chili.

Dad: "Do they only sell chili?"

Me: "No, they sell other stuff."

Dad: "Do they sell Argentina?"

Me: sigh

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ‘€︎ u/scarlett1722
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2013
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Either nobody heard it or they refused to acknowledge it...

While trying to identify a tree in the yard, somebody asked, "Is that an ash tree?" I said, "If you burn it."

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ‘€︎ u/wonderbrett
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.

And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.

πŸ‘︎ 188
πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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They Stared at me from the Couch, Refusing to Acknowledge What I had Done

We were ordering chinese food and deciding on what to get.

My dad: Pick a chinese dish you'd like to eat for tonight.

Me: I'd rather not honestly, they're so hard and porcelain. I don't think I'd like to eat a chinese dish tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReadShift
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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How did the book lose weight?

It got its appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_nyonga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, "Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"

He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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Pulled a real groaner while closing on our new house today

My wife and I are signing our loan docs today with the title company.

Wife: "I don't get why you sign your name so fast but write the date so slow."

Me: "I guess ever since we got married I don't date as often as I used to."

Title Lady: "Booooooo."

She later acknowledged that she hadn't heard that one in 21 years of doing her job. I've never been so proud and ashamed at the same time.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/FritzTrockels
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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Son: I'm done eating, Mama!

Dad: You're done eating Mama?!

Just heard this in the table behind me. Not a laugh was had. I thought I'd give him the credit he deserves.

πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesyncopater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
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My mom is in the hospital

Thursday my mom was admitted into the hospital and Friday she was moved into the IVCU (Interventional Cardiac Unit). As I was leaving her for the night I said, "I'll V C-ing U tomorrow". She was too tired to acknowledge my pun, so I posted here.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/EC10-32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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I was telling my Chinese friend that our buddy Ty is now the local boxing champion, but he doesn’t believe it.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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There was a draw for $2000 worth of free tires at the fair today

As I was filling out the entry form, I said to the girl: "If I win this, I can re-tire!"

She didn't even acknowledge the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ‘€︎ u/scamperly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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waves of laughter ensued

Sooooo... my oldest daughter curled her sister's hair this weekend... on the way home I started waving at her until she looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I told her that her hair was all wavy so I was waving back. She had the usual split second involuntary smile at the the corners of her mouth before she gave me a you-son-of-a-@#$%!-look ( http://imgur.com/D0UHimq )... because my kids refuse to acknowledge how funny I am... I laughed... and laughed...and I'm still laughing about it today...

πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ‘€︎ u/samoerai
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon

If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.

What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.

What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.

First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.

Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.

If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost

I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon

If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?

This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.

If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.

My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.

When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Dadjoked by a math textbook.

This is just in the middle of a chapter and isn't even acknowledged by the surrounding passages. It's pretty baaad if you ask me. But really, thanks to this picture I will never forget what a shear transformation does.

Textbook is Linear Algebra and Its Applications by David C. Lay, since for some reason I feel like I should probably cite it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ‘€︎ u/tananda7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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Sometimes I get a groan from the family...

I typically acknowledge responses with "aye", so my sister asked if aye was used to say ok or to answer yes.

My response: Aye-ther...

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/st0rmyc
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today

So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack." The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_baboons_ass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
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Nature program dad joked.

My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:

Dad: "I went to a party there once."

-Skeptical silence-

Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".

I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.

(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)

EDIT cant spell.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ‘€︎ u/foxdrop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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My 6m son's stinky feet smell like cheese

I told my wife he had Chee-toes ... (She refuses to acknowledge these anymore, says it only encourages me πŸ˜‚)

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrankyOldGrinch
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2017
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Overheard at the zoo

We were in the bird exhibit and a family was nearby.

"Daddy! Come look at the toucan!"

"Honey, listen, it's just got one can"

The best part was that he never even acknowledged the pun. Stated it matter of fact.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThumYorky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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A Flora and Fauna Funny

My wife and I were hanging out in our room when the cat walked in. I looked at it and told her to give us some privacy, and she left. I said to my wife "oh shit, she knows English! She's a spy!" My wife goes "yeah, I think she's a plant." Without thinking, I replied "nope, she's a cat." Now my wife refuses to acknowledge me when I talk. Worth it.

edit: derp typo

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/UTLRev1312
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Father in Law showed me he's still got it today...

At the zoo watching otters laze around he turned to us and goes "on a sunny day like this i bet they're getting otter otter laying there!" I had to acknowledge it was pretty quick.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/badshrubbery
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
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The day I realized that I tell dad jokes (an introduction).

It was sometime last year that my girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a local public trail with her German Shepherd. She had always been very adamant about my jokes having a "dadness" to them but I always brushed it off until this day.

As we're walking, a lady and her two kids go to pass us going the other way on a narrow part of the trail and I say:

"Don't worry, she's friendly...(smirk level at maximum)...oh and the dog is too."

My girlfriend facepalms and the lady chuckles and says, "It's like we brought your father with us, huh kids?"

Girlfriend enthusiastically says, "See! Not funny dad jokes!"

From that day on I acknowledged my dad jokes as what they are but to this day I refuse to believe they aren't funny. And I guess that's my introductory post to this subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2015
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Putting on shoes

My 4 year old daughter was putting on her shoes and goes "Uh oh." I replied "Whats wrong did you rip your shoe in half?" My wife then goes "That would be a feat!" I said "No, it would be half a foot!"

I'm the only one who thought it was great...My wife just sighed and my daughter didn't even acknowledge it, but I will not let that deter my dad joke telling!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBlackJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.

"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"

Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.


Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/LIL_Britty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
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Our son doesn't like being swaddled

Our 3 week old son doesn't like to be swaddled up with his hands at his side. He raises a fuss if he isn't able to move his hands around. My wife pointed out that he likes hands free.

Me: "I'll get him a bluetooth for Christmas now."

She wouldn't even acknowledge what I said.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yoshi_XD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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Dad-joked by an Ikea customer

I work at an Ikea, customer using the checkout acknowledges the payment button.

Customer: "Finish and pay?" Shouldn't it be "Swedish and pay?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/denuu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
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Dad's classic.

Whenever my sister would have some friends over back when she was a teenager, my father would go into my room, grab a little plastic letter "P" from a toy I had when I was younger. And put it in his pocket. Walk into teenage sister's room "Girls.... look" "Dad what do you want?" "what is this?"- While holding out the letter 'P' Then placing it in his pocket He would refuse to leave the room until she or her friend Acknowledged that he had "P in his Pants" Seven year old me, thought this was gold. Brought me to tears a few times.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/anycolouryouliked
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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My gf was thinking about taking a minor in geography. I was knocking them out of the park.

"I was thinking about trying out a geography minor."

"Oh really? What makes you want to head in that direction." - Pun one she doesn't acknowledge

"I don't know I just find it interesting. I think I'd like to try human geography."

"Oh really? My cousin told me he took physical geography and said it rocks." - She pauses and stares at me with an unimpressed face, but reluctantly continues

"No I think people geography would be more my style."

"Ya I can see that. You're much more of a people person." - Her eyes flare as it's obvious shes holding back a bellowing guffaw

"We're done here."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/RepostFrom4chan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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In some countries it's called a Zucchini in other countries it's called a Courgette....

....but my Dad always called them "Widows Delights!"


Followed by "Hey? Hey? Heh?...." until someone acknowledged the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/rodmunch99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasn’t given a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrgreencannabis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
🚨︎ report

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