I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
π︎ 130
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
My wife woke me up in the middle of the night
She whispered in my ear, "our children are asleep do what you want"
I then went back to sleep
π︎ 52
π
︎ May 06 2021
I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work.
I opened my eyes and chilled.....I'm at work.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 13 2021
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
I went in to hospital for a routine operation and was furious when I woke up to find the surgeon had given me a lobotomy
I can tell you, he sure got a piece of my mind.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 121
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.
Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
When I woke up from an operation, the nurse leaned over and said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
I woke up with semen on my face..
I donβt know what came over me
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
2018: Β« Yo, dude, get woke. Β» 2019: Β« C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! Β» 2020: Β«... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. Β»
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Woke
π︎ 26
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
A man woke up to find out that he was connected to a constant source of water.
He was quite irrigated about it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door
That plumber has some sense of humour
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
What do you say to a teenager that woke up at 3:00 A.M?
What are you doing up so oily?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think Iβm being stalked.
π︎ 106
π
︎ May 07 2020
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
Iβm afraid someone roofied me
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
I woke up grumpy this morning
That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
What did the optimistic scientist say when he woke up?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
I woke up on an island, just me and a deck of cards.
So far, Iβm not a big fan of solitairy confinement
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
First thing I saw today when I woke up π
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 04 2020
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
π︎ 28
π
︎ May 09 2020
Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. βWhat personality trait is the most cleansing?β
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 17 2020
Just woke up to this beauteaful pun
π︎ 28
π
︎ Aug 08 2019
When I woke up from a car accident in a full body cast my wife was right there at my side
To let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 22 2020
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 395
π
︎ Apr 23 2019
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
π︎ 202
π
︎ Oct 26 2018
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to βDonβt stop Believing.β
It was an unexpected Journey.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 01 2020
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...
... itβs ok but, we recovered.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
π︎ 86
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I canβt feel my legs!β
The doctor replied, βI know. I amputated your arms!β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling βOk Boomer!β
It was a millennial falcon.
π︎ 151
π
︎ Jan 31 2020
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 06 2019
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