I woke up to my wife and kids screaming. Exasperated, I asked, “What are you all yelling about?!” They yelled back...
I woke up early today
But he keeps telling me that his name is Jake
I woke up to a tap on the door....
The plumber must be drunk again.
I mistook whiteout for liquid Viagra. I woke up with a wicked correction.
I woke up, wondering why I was tied to train tracks...
I dreamed of this joke and thought it was so funny that I woke up laughing
What do you call an Italian cryptid?
A Spag-yeti!
I woke up with such a stiff neck this morning
Must be the Viagra I got stuck in my throat last night
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
I left my speaker under my pillow at night and when I woke up it had been replaced with a 1 dollar note
Must have been the Bluetooth fairy!
It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.
She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.
My wife woke me up and said, "I heard a noise coming from downstairs."
So I said, "Just plug your nose and go back to sleep."
I went on a safari last summer and it was so great I woke up one morning and shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How an elephant got in my pajamas I have no idea.
I was with my girlfriend and suddenly woke up
She was the girl of my dreams
I was cryogenically frozen for a while until someone woke me up early.
I woke up to found my cows sitting in the huge oak tree we have in the back yard?
Steaks have never been higher
Last night I dreamt a pun so bad it woke me up.
Last night I dreamt I was turning my handwriting into a custom font.
It started out normal with basic straight lines but by “Z” it had become a very ornate and filigreed design, reminiscent of the designs of monks in old bibles.
Someone watching me work then asked me what the font was called.
I responded: What’s a monk’s favourite font?
They shook their head and shrugged.
Me: MonastArial!
I started laughing but only received an exasperated sigh in return.
Me: Wait, I’ve got another one. How about GaraMonk? 🤣
Ahhhhnd I woke myself up because I was laughing so hard at my own joke and had to look up of Monastarial was a real word. It is.
I didn’t know if it was night or day when I woke up
and then it dawned on me.
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of Club orange. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
Told my kid, who's away at college, that we had dinner last night at her favorite Indian restaurant. The food was good but I'm tired this morning because I woke up at 2:39 with a rumbling stomach.
She doesn't have to worry though, because I woke up just in time. One minute later and it would have been too farty. 🌬️
I woke up early wondering when the sun would rise...
I woke up in a really dark place this morning.
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
I woke up in hospital after having a bucket of plaster land on my head.
The nurse said I was rendered unconscious.
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
I played slow pitch for the first time in a couple years last night and this morning I woke up super stiff.
My body was really sore as well!
I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work.
I opened my eyes and chilled.....I'm at work.
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
I woke up my fiancee this morning to tell her the sink is clogged
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I woke up grumpy this morning
That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
First thing I saw today when I woke up 😐
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
I just woke up from a dream! There was an ocean of orange pop! I thought it was real.
But when I woke up I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know. I amputated your arms!”
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
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