A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
I woke up grumpy this morning
That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
I woke up on an island, just me and a deck of cards.
So far, I’m not a big fan of solitairy confinement
First thing I saw today when I woke up 😐
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. “What personality trait is the most cleansing?”
When I woke up from a car accident in a full body cast my wife was right there at my side
To let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered all my blankets were missing.
I put my phone under my pillow last night and went to sleep. When I woke up it was gone and a pound coin was in its place
Damn that Bluetooth Fairy
I woke up my fiancee this morning to tell her the sink is clogged
I woke up this morning and found that two of my car wheels had somehow fallen off.
I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to get a mechanic to assess the situation.
I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing
I guess the car was two tired.
So I woke up inside the fridge today
The thought of why I was in there was chilling
Just woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming I was floating in an Ocean of Orange Soda.
Then I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
I woke up this morning with another freakin’ back ache.
I thought to myself, “knot again!”
Explanation (since I guess I’m supposed to):
The knot in my muscle was the cause of my back pain. Knot/Not.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
When I woke up this morning I felt numb...
And when I looked at the digits of my phone
showing 06:42 I started feeling even number.
I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
I woke up this morning with a very sore throat.
Last night, in the kitchen, I was talking to the colander and I think it strained my voice
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know. I amputated your arms!”
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked to find out that I had broken all my fingers.
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
I decide to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning..
I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked to find out that all my fingers were broken.
I wanted to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning...
I'm not allowed to keep Sharpies in the house anymore
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