When someone makes a bad pun:
Sylvester Stallone says he wants to make a movie about classical music. He says, “I will be Beethoven.” Jean Claude Van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “C’mon guys, don’t make me say it.”
I was offered a job today but I turned it down because they were only willing to pay me in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
It's pretty obvious that if you run in front of a moving car you will get tired, but if you run behind it..
do you just get exhausted...?
My dad used to say to me 'When One Door Closes another will Open'
He was a brilliant philosopher
but a terrible cabinet maker.
All posts with grammatical and spelling errors will be reported to ...
The Reddit Department of Corrections.
The word vaccine is the only English word that two same consecutive letters are pronounced differently
Don’t ask me how I knew this, I just found it accidentally.
I will never try to make my own cheese
It’s whey out of my league
Redditors who constantly downvote others will eventually get downvoted themselves.
Doctor: I will be delivering the baby now.
Dad: I'd prefer the baby with a liver please.
A man loses three fingers in a work accident. He goes to the Emergency room and asks the doctor... "Will I be able to drive with this hand?". The doctor replies...
"Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."
I invented a transparent coffin. Will it be a success?
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office.... I WILL find you...
Which type of melon will never run away to get married?
Only who knows about electricity will get it
Why didn't Chris Rock and Will Smith have turkey for Christmas dinner?
Men need to stop. Just stop. If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes… She. Will. Be. Ready.
So stop reminding her every 30 minutes.
My child just learned the alphabet but will only recognize 25 letters
few people will get this.
In what country, do Koreans have the most broken arms (people who understand korean will get this)
This *one trick* will drive your wife crazy in the bedroom!
Leave a dresser drawer slightly open with a small piece of clothing sticking out.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Tampax recently announced they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel.
This will be for the Christmas period only.
But who will monitor the monitor?
Please just take my money you deserve it
What are two things that will never get old?
Jokes about anti-vaxxers... And anti-vaxxers's children!
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You follow his fresh prints.
Poe's Law: Satire will be misinterpreted. Murphy's Law: Things will go wrong.
Cole's Law: Thinly chopped cabbage and mayo.
HELP: I need the ultimate dad joke cat name.
Tomorrow we will be adopting a new kitten, and I am hoping to find the most appropriate name that is fun and punny and appropriately a dad joke. Give me your best (or worst) ideas!
For context, it’s a longhaired gray female kitten that’s about a year old. She’s replacing our 17 year old cat we put down today after a short illness.
EDIT: cat tax. https://postimg.cc/vDPj2brf
A vegan and a vegetarian will never fight each other.
say what you will about gay men but most of em dress well
they really spent a long time inside the closet
I met a guy named will.
I was told to shoot him, and years later, when he was long dead, people wanted me to start writing on him
First spring flowers are starting to pop up around here... do you know when the bees will come?
Everyone knows about Murphy's Law.. (Whatever CAN go wrong WILL)..
But do y'all know Cole's Law? It's shredded Cabbage!
LPT: Wait until after breakfast to make important decisions, as your mental acuity will be sharper. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as…
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
It’s totally understandable that my family doesn’t get why I sometimes will stand on a pile of Scrabble tiles while acting out full Shakespeare performances.
After all, it’s a play on words.
There is a drink that will make you worse if you don't drink it.
Satan has promised that once he gets the business license and location he will be opening a specialty wig company where the wigs are small enough to cover your bald spot and match the rest of your natural hair.
I’m other words, once everything is lined up there’ll be Hell toupee.
What is the definition of a will?
Why will you never go hungry in the desert?
Because of all the sandwiches there.
Our tiny kids, will one day grow up to 6ft.
Although I'd prefer my daughter to just stick with the two she has.
When I told my client that I will be sending him a bill, he jokingly asked, 'Gates or Clinton?'
Imagine his shock when he received a perfectly preserved beak of a bird. Attached to that bird's bill was a note from me - 'Toucan play at this game!'
When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..
..take it out, flip it over and lower again.
Next year will be normal again
How do you follow will smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints
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