What’s red and bad for ur teeth ?

A fire truck

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📅︎ Aug 19 2018
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What has five fingers but isnt ur hand?

My hand

👍︎ 15
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👤︎ u/OrcaDevil
📅︎ Sep 08 2016
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What did the pumpkin say when ur was surprised?

"Oh my gourd-ness!"

Just thought of this as I anticipate my impending fatherhood. My high school students did not approve. Silly kids.

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👤︎ u/adedward
📅︎ Oct 17 2017
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What animal makes buildings?

Boa constructor

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👤︎ u/TiesG92
📅︎ Jan 22 2021
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What’s the opposite of Urine?

Ur out!

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📅︎ Feb 16 2021
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What happens when you drive a Subaru in reverse?

Ur a bus.

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📅︎ Dec 13 2020
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Why do people sing in the shower?

Because the audience in the toilet is shit!

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👤︎ u/nirinaron
📅︎ Oct 02 2020
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How do you keep your eyes from drying out?

You Moist-ur-ize

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📅︎ Aug 11 2020
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I didn’t see that coming
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📅︎ Oct 10 2018
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Why is Star Trek like toilet paper?

They both go around Ur anus looking for Klingons

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👤︎ u/RB9k
📅︎ Sep 08 2019
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Hey, want to know how i met your mum?

H I, M U M.

(How I Met Ur Mum)

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📅︎ Aug 03 2019
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A king needed to name his soldiers

Queen: let’s go sleep now

King: no I need a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: OMG babe ur a genius

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👤︎ u/vampyblot
📅︎ Jun 07 2019
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"Honey, guess what. I'm pregnant."

Hi pregnant. I'm Dad.

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📅︎ Oct 03 2016
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My dad always brings this one out when guests are over

A guy visiting Australia gets hit by a car and is taken to the ER unconscious. When he comes to, lying on a stretcher, he asks the porter, "Was I brought here to die?".

The porter replies, "No, mate, you were brought here yesterday."

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📅︎ Feb 22 2014
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What planet stinks?

Ur anus

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👤︎ u/paoerfuuul
📅︎ Apr 17 2019
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I can sanitize milk by throwing it at your head.

The milk becomes safe to drink once it goes past-ur-eyes.

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Sep 21 2018
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: “What, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. “Evenin’” says the barman, “why the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?” The barman says: “Hmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” “Why, what have you got?” “About £2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

“I’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. “We don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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👤︎ u/Punsville
📅︎ May 04 2017
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Why is toilet paper more powerful than the USS Enterprise?

Because it can circle Ur anus and wipe out kling ons

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👤︎ u/josamo8
📅︎ Feb 05 2017
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I should have laughed...

So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!

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👤︎ u/kwiikberg
📅︎ Jun 05 2017
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my dad found out i like dad jokes. and now he won't stop.

http://imgur.com/a/UrTT0

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📅︎ Jan 25 2017
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I told my toddler it was Saturday, so I don't have to go to work today...

He indignantly replies that it is NOT Sat-ur-day, it's a hap-pee-day.

He's gonna be a great dad.

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👤︎ u/daddy_yo
📅︎ Jul 02 2017
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Gardening Dad Joke

Me and the hubby were doing some gardening and I said to him "we need a wood stake" (so we could stabilize a tomato plant) and he replied "first we gotta find a wooden cow"...good thing ur cute babe :)

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📅︎ Jul 01 2017
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How to pronounce Uranus

Whenever someone pronounces Uranus like "urANUS," my dad is quick to tell anyone who will listen that it is pronounced "URuhnus," and that "it's not any more your anus than it is my anus!"

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📅︎ Sep 12 2015
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Every time this player was mentioned on TV, my dad would turn to me and ask "do you think he's got a brother called Art?".
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👤︎ u/JCTenton
📅︎ Sep 10 2014
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