Why did Jesus leave the door to his tomb open?

Because he was born in a barn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malcolm_Y
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced…

"BOOM?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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If the Pyramids really were tombs, Would we still call them Pyramids? Rather,

Instead, we should call them DIE-Angles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linksys120n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

They believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Rocher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnster1991
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Pharaoh tried to sell Amway to help offset the costs of his burial tomb.

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itbehabib
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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New tomb discovered

A new tomb has been discovered in the valley of the kings, Egypt. The grave goods seem to consist purely of ancient chocolate and nuts. Apparently, the tomb belonged to the 'Pharaoh Rocher'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minefield2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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People who robbed the tombs of Pharos really put themselves in grave danger.

I'm sure this has been said before but it just came to my mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jynx-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Archeologists in Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

It's beleived to be the long lost Pharoah Rocher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philbertagain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/borick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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Santa Claus's tomb may have been uncovered today. Crazy.

And to think, all it took was a hoe hoe hoe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gdmovich
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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Did you know they found chocolate in the tombs of the early Egyptians? It was found in the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbroderick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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Are you supposed to pull over for a funeral procession?

Of corpse, please come to a dead stop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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You should wear your mask whenever you go to a cemetery in this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/25BicsOnMyBureau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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What does every tombstone have in common?

They're all engraved.

(I told this to my five year old this morning and got a very satisfying groan.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I try speaking to my grandfather in his urn.

I have a feeling he is turning a deaf ear.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Graveyards take up so much real estate, it’s crazy!

No worries, cemeteries are a dying industry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajanes88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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The queues outside the cemetery are crazy.

People are dying to get in there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomWaah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Have you noticed we never hear about grave robbers nowadays?

Apparently it’s a dying art.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaleMcDouble
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saibotspons-alien
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?

Their careers were in ruins.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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What do you call a necrophilic women

Tomb rider

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinckypringles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Why did the musician lose a gig at a funeral?

He couldn’t find the right tomb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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Egyptian Family

A group of archeologist went inside an ancient Egyptian tomb and they found a family of mummies.

One of the archeologist pointed to the female one and said, "Oh look! A mummy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fujoshi_Baka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Archaeologists have discovered that putting the burial chambers inside the pyramids took a lot less time than previously thought.

It was literally a Tomb In It job

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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driving by a cemetery

Dad: do you know who's buried here?
Kids: ...
Dad: Dead people.

My aunt and dad told me that my grandfather liked to tell this joke all the time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flame_in_darkness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2013
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttalusPius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Got my Dad today

Watching a show about Ancient Egyptian tombs

Archeologist: "Temperatures here have reached upwards of 115 degrees Fahrenheit."

Me: "More like Pharaoh-heit."

My Dad: "You get your shitty sense of humor from me, I'm sorry."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dogdare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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Mom had a question for me

Mom: Did you know what they found in King Tut's tomb?

Me: ... King Tut.

Old Man: LOL

Mom: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spore2012
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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If β€œwomb is pronounced β€œwoom”, β€œtomb” is pronounced β€œtoom”, then then shouldn’t β€œbomb” be pronounced

β€œBOOM”

I hope that blew your minds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zombiemonkey04
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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If womb is pronounced as β€œwoom” and tomb is pronounced as β€œtoom...”

Then shouldn’t bomb be pronounced as β€œboom?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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English

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/killian5302
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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