I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
Ever wonder the gender of an ant? Do the water test.
If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats however...
I think I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody got higher than me.
A new disease is sweeping the world. It's a type of nostril infection, very costly to test for
But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.
And as his secretary says...
No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.
Mum: I think u need a hearing test dear.
Why would I need a hairy chest?
A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...
Why did the student get a pear before his test?
He wanted to make sure he was pre-pear-ed!
I failed a recent test on the forces of the earth.
Apparently I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation I was in
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
Are you all watching the tests?
My daughter had her 6th driving test yesterday. She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 jumped out of the way.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...
Looks like I have an alcohol problem.
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Why did the teenager give a shoe with wheels a math test?
Because he wanted to make a skate bored!
What's an alternative name for a pregnancy test ?
An answer in a listening test was "specific background material" and a classmate asked if it was ok to just write "background material"
The teacher said it had to be specific
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
What crime did a test commit?
It didn't commit a crime, the teacher just told me to turn it in.
the puppy test
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
Why is it called a paternity test...
I failed a math test on an elevator.
I got it wrong on so many levels.
An old one I know, I just thought the punchline needed revision.
2 blondes talking. "I had a pregnancy test today" says the first.
"Were the questions hard?" asked the second
What did the horse get on his blood test
My car failed it’s emissions test today!
I just failed my trigonometry test...
It's because I don't understand sine language.
Why did the guy in the dad jeans get a COVID test?
Because he didn't have any taste
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
My son asked we to pay for his rifle test today. It was $30.
What did my doctor tell me after checking my blood test for spelling errors?
He told me it was Typo Negative
What were Donald Trump’s COVID-19 test results?
Extremely positive. The most positive, in fact. Everybody’s talking about it. It’s yuuuge. Nobody’s seen anything like it. Sleepy joe never would’ve been able to pull this off.
I have a grammar test tomorrow.
Is 'buttcheeks' one word? Or should I spread them apart?
What did Bugs Bunny say when the doctor asked him how he should be contacted with his test results?
Vincent Van Gogh’s son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...
Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?
I got my wife 4 pregnancy tests and they all came back positive
She’s now worried about how we are going to raise 4 kids.
Friend wrote it on the back of her test
Can I see the result of my eye test
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do you call it when a teacher watches his class as they take a test and plays online poker at the same time?
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month...
But it’s costing me a fortune in houses...
What’s a crash test dummy’s favorite song?
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.
Why did the Eastern European student fail his test?
He was Russian to get it done
(Eastern euro joke 2/7)
I had this blood test last week and didn't study
Good thing I managed to get a B+
Why is it called a paternity test