Terrible Puns

...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

1. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

2. If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… Guardian of the Galaxy

3. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

4. I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

5. I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

Oh yeah, I'm a gamer. A gay Mercedes.

(Gay means happy too!)

A friend and I got into a debate about what the best medieval weapon was. He said it was the warhammer while I said it was the mace. Our argument got so heated that we haven't talked to each other in five days. Talk about blunt force drama.

I was walking down the street when a man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I turned around and shouted, "What the Hellman?"

I was out shopping with my dad looking to buy a wedding gift. While I'm waiting in line to make my purchase, a woman set down her purchase (about twenty binders) next to my gift on the conveyer belt. Naturally my dad questioned her bizarre purchase, to which she responded that she desperately need to organize her documents. Without missing a beat, he grinned and exclaimed, "Well I guess you were in quite a bind!"

The lady actually had quite a laugh, whereas I groaned and grumbled.

...it's the dadliest catch.

Why did F get coal for Christmas? Because it was not E.

• Alaska girl out when the times right
• Arkansas right? (Ar Can Saw right?)
• I’ll California
• He’s gonna Florida car!
• Iowa lot of money right now
• He was in a state of Missouri for the past few days
• He’s the Maine character of the book
• Mind Washington dishes tonight?
• Can I get a Minnesota with my burger?

Most of them were already torn away by the time I'd gotten to 'em!

Tried a new pillow last night and when I woke up today my wife asked me if I thought it was comfortable enough. "It has it's fluffs and downs" I said. Much eye rolling was had.

Now he’s a great grandfather

It's night.

It was a Shih Tzu

Me: It's an olfactory response.

When he came in the next day, his face was purple. His co-workers told him he shouldn’t beet himself up.

Not only that, but it’s also terrible.

What do you call a car that sleeps randomly during the day?

A Carcoleptic.

This is Ba ba ba ba barber Anne.

...but so is my short term memory.

Because all the good ones argon already.

I’m closhtraphobic

I don’t know what

Child: “ if you are being frank who is being dad?”

Actual conversation I heard in the store

I decided never to go back because they had zero forks to give.

He’s always telling people to come on bored

You know where I am.

“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.

1. I have a double China without the “a”.

2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.

3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.

5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.

6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.

He was a real faux Pa.

But then I spared him

But then, hindsight is always 2020.

Brilliant at jography though.

And that was the last time I heard from it.

Paper.

He's all right, now.

Me: It's an olfactory response.