I told my parents I had a terminal illness and they freaked out.

Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/LadenStarfish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He recently pasta way...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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What terminal illness can you get from ear rape

Hearing aids

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/gabbe20022
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I asked my boss to donate to support Asian children with terminal illnesses.

He hasn’t responded yet, but when he does I’ll find out if he supports youth in Asia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/srirachase
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I caught the flu at an airport once.

It was a terminal illness.

(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/PKE95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?

Terminal Illness

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uzitha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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A man caught a deadly virus while waiting for his flight at the airport

He's terminal ill

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Actual joke (?) from my dad.

Me: the actors who played anakin, emperor palpatine, and darth vader came to meet and kid with a terminal illness recently.

Dad: You'd think that Hayden Christiensen would've thought the kid had suffered enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boiboiboi21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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My friend died after using Linux for a long time.

He acquired a terminal illness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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I prefer not to travel by Greyhound

I'm afraid I'll get a terminal illness.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sean_Ornery
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Let's demolish train stations and airports, and build lots more tall telescopes. We'll probably live a lot longer!

In my experience, patients under observation do far better than the terminally ill.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/bamsebamsen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Gave my dad a dad joke he may throw back my way again one day.

Last time I went home, dad had a friend over who shared with us the struggles he now encountered with providing daily basic care for his own aging, terminally-ill father.

"You just can't imagine right now," he assured me, "what it's like to wipe your own father's ass after helping him off the toilet."

"Yeah, well I'm sure you're right," I responded, "but I certainly can imagine it's pretty awkward. He's all bent over. You're back there trying to clean him up and pretend everything's normal, of course he's gonna be fine, when suddenly your eyes meet. With his voice filled with pride, he says, "that's a real good wipe, son."

My dad and his friend laughed their asses off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olhonestjim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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I need help writing airplane puns for a message on a dating site.

So the person's profile only talks about airplanes. I wanted to send a message totally jammed packed with airplane puns but I don't have that many. It's probably a fake profile but I still think it would be fun.

Here's what I have so far. Hey Girl. Most of the girls on this website are so 'plane' but you're the exception. I have a 'terminal' illness and hope to meet my copilot before I go. Just kidding. My health is 'A oK47'. I was just 'play'n' around. Just to let you know I have some baggage from some 'turbulence' in a previous relationship but Shirley I can get past it. My previous relationship taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights made an airplane. I hope a new relationship can 'takeoff' with you though. I would be a great boyfriend. I have financial 'security' and could buy you anything you want with my 'visa'. Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? It's really good, except for the train and automobile parts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/richrawl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/helpinglamp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
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What do you call a disease you caught at the airport?

Terminal illness.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ‘€︎ u/WritingWithSpears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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