Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to imagine a world where "sword" is a swear word...

Where you have to tell your children not to say the "S"-word.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshTee123
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
i don’t have ADHD i swear

i took a test for it, i didn’t finish it, i got too bored but still

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NearDead-Star
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I swear, I put it down right over there!
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoseChavezyChavez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a chicken swear?

Puck you.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unfuss
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
New medication created. Reduces swelling but makes you swear.

Ibuprofane

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toilet_King_101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Germany was neutral I swear
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timfreemints
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gaeboomering
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand.

It never does anything right.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cold_sphagetti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
This isn't like last time, I swear
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Girl, when a guy swears he doesn't need to wear a condom, don't fall for it...

... don't kid yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lapsangsong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgardner1398
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.

I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I swear I ordered the sirloin, yet they brought me a t- bone

Apparently I have been mistaken.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManicMuncy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I swear the pigeons in my area are plotting to overthrow the neighbourhood watch.

It's definitely a coo.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Im not addicted to brake fluid, I swear!

I can stop anytime!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatogamer555
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I specialize in the study of swear words from the 1800s...

I'm a geeologist.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I swear I just thought of a new color

Or maybe it was just a pigment of my imagination

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I swear, I'm gonna get the Secret to Immortality...

... even if it kills me!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JandersOf86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do chickens not swear?

Because the hate fowl language.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VanillaHysteria
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I swear I can't take no more shit from anybody
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_Noob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad, I swear to god

My younger sister was throwing one of her teenage tantrums, and she shouts at my dad, "Well sorry for being born!" My dad looks her in the eye and says, "it's all right, just don't do it again."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youdespicablecunt
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I swear to god . .

That's why I won't be allowed in heaven

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aurenzar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
If a mute kid swears.

Does his mother wash his hands with soap?

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Ask me why the long face one more goddamn time I swear v.redd.it/nzazxqzdijp11
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emiduk45
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal

They have fowl language

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brentobot
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.

I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French

πŸ‘︎ 680
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of ringing.

He is in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.

It’s currently half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 704
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

πŸ‘︎ 775
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgardner1398
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.

it's currently half empty

πŸ‘︎ 287
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was quite a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 314
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a ride awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.

They are in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mouse that swears

A cursor

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgardner1398
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.

It’s currently half empty

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.