Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
Heβs in for a rude awakening.
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︎ May 24 2021
I like to imagine a world where "sword" is a swear word...
Where you have to tell your children not to say the "S"-word.
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︎ May 19 2021
i donβt have ADHD i swear
i took a test for it, i didnβt finish it, i got too bored but still
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︎ May 13 2021
I swear, I put it down right over there!
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 02 2021
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
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︎ Dec 30 2020
How does a chicken swear?
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︎ Feb 18 2021
New medication created. Reduces swelling but makes you swear.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Germany was neutral I swear
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand.
It never does anything right.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
This isn't like last time, I swear
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︎ Feb 19 2020
Girl, when a guy swears he doesn't need to wear a condom, don't fall for it...
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︎ Sep 23 2020
What do you call a mouse that swears?
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︎ Dec 02 2019
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
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︎ Nov 04 2020
I swear I ordered the sirloin, yet they brought me a t- bone
Apparently I have been mistaken.
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︎ Aug 17 2020
I swear the pigeons in my area are plotting to overthrow the neighbourhood watch.
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Im not addicted to brake fluid, I swear!
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I specialize in the study of swear words from the 1800s...
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︎ Jun 12 2020
I swear I just thought of a new color
Or maybe it was just a pigment of my imagination
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︎ Mar 11 2020
I swear, I'm gonna get the Secret to Immortality...
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 10 2019
Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)
My dad used to tell me this one growing up:
>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"
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︎ Jan 27 2020
Why do chickens not swear?
Because the hate fowl language.
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︎ Mar 03 2020
Why doesn't Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
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︎ Feb 11 2019
I swear I can't take no more shit from anybody
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︎ Aug 15 2019
My dad, I swear to god
My younger sister was throwing one of her teenage tantrums, and she shouts at my dad, "Well sorry for being born!"
My dad looks her in the eye and says, "it's all right, just don't do it again."
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︎ May 17 2014
I swear to god . .
That's why I won't be allowed in heaven
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︎ Jun 21 2019
If a mute kid swears.
Does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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︎ Sep 19 2018
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︎ Oct 01 2018
Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal
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︎ May 27 2019
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
π︎ 680
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︎ Jul 08 2020
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of ringing.
He is in for a rude awakening.
π︎ 36
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
Itβs currently half empty.
π︎ 704
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︎ May 11 2020
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
Heβs in for a rude awakening.
π︎ 49
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︎ Sep 23 2020
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jul 14 2019
What do you call a mouse that swears?
π︎ 775
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︎ Feb 12 2020
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
π︎ 287
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︎ Apr 08 2020
For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing.
Heβs in for a rude awakening.
π︎ 24
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︎ Jul 23 2020
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
Sheβs in for a rude awakening.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
π︎ 314
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︎ Oct 29 2019
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
Sheβs in for a ride awakening.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 11 2020
For Christmas, Iβm getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
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︎ Nov 29 2019
What do you call a mouse that swears
π︎ 196
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︎ Mar 16 2019
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
Itβs currently half empty
π︎ 112
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︎ Dec 01 2019
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...
Itβs currently half empty...
π︎ 128
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︎ Mar 06 2019
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was a rude awakening.
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 31 2019
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