I'm quitting cold-turkey.
I thought to myself: Heβs lost his rag.
Hey, stop using such Bulgar language
(Eastern euro joke 6/7)
I told him it was the car berater.
Because thereβs a lot of FRICK-tion
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
βNot in front of the kids!β
He's gotta go fast
He has been dubbed, Sir Cuss.
I got done up for making an obscene clone fall.
sitting in a coffee shop with my girlfriend and 4 yr old daughter. kid's looking at the letters on the coffee cups
Kid: Daddy, why are the letters all smooshed together?
Gf: It's called handwriting.
Kid: What's the last letter? I don't remember it...
Gf: It's an "S". Do you know a word that starts with S?
Me: Shit.
Gf: And why, of all words, did you use "shit"?
Me: I'm speaking in cursive
Gf: ΰ² _ΰ²
"Stone of a peach!"
Was a favorite of my Dad's. There are probably others that I can't recall. Share yours in the comments!
It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.
The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.
The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.
Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.
Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.
About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.
"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.
"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.
"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."
"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".
It never does anything right.
He is in for a rude awakening.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
... don't kid yourself.
Apparently I have been mistaken.
Itβs currently half empty.
It's definitely a coo.
I can stop anytime!
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Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.
August.
It does, I swear.
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
Ibuprofane.
Rubbit
I swear itβs the only booty call Iβve ever made.
Or maybe it was just a pigment of my imagination
A chef entered his kitchen one day struggling with holding onto a large pumpkin. He noticed three male sheep standing next to his oven. One of them had a collar on him with the letter βAβ written on it. The second had a collar with βBβ and the third had βC.β The chef didnβt know what to do with the sheep, and they were standing in front of the only place he could put the pumpkin down. He put the pumpkin on the first sheepβs head and nothing happened. He then put it on the second sheepβs head and again, nothing happened. He then put it on the third sheepβs head, and immediately the sheep started cooking a gourmet meal and swearing at anyone who passed by him.
Thatβs what happens when you put a gourd on ram C in the kitchen.
Because the hate fowl language.
My dad used to tell me this one growing up:
>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"
... even if it kills me!
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Heβs in for a rude awakening.
Heβs in for a rude awakening.
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Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
Sheβs in for a rude awakening.
Sheβs in for a ride awakening.
That was quite a rude awakening.
They are in for a rude awakening.
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