I'm not supposed to eat anything too suite.

I've got typo diabetes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What would you do if your bathroom suite turned up at the front door?

Just let that sink in...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to the eye doctor for a checkup. This is his suite number.
πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cracksilog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Our company VP just hit the executive suite with this one...

You know how you can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? ...One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.

Me being the only other dad in the room silently chuckled while the other 3 non-dad executives let out an audible groan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
It'd be suite to call your kids "Word" and "Excel".
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viklas76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
If Guns N’ Roses ever open a hotel, I hope they have a Suite Child O’ Mine
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The composer whom best suits this pandemic is...

Drycoughski.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tawdry-eloquence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you see the latest fashion trend is adhesive based dresses and suits?

From what I heard they’re a bit tacky.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesydoodlers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a suit like to have for lunch?

Tie food

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shotintheship
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Honey where's my super suit
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squiffy_Can
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Santa's reindeer look when they got 3 piece tailored suits?

Dashing

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I personally think that beekeeper suits are ugly as hell, but hey...

Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T0BBER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Magneto stop wearing his purple suit?

Because the days of fuchsia past

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits to your house in 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I imagine when Microsoft's co-founder Mr.Gates gets a suit tailored, they must fit him perfectly.

They have to fit the Bill.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader's suit seems pretty expensive

Must have cost him an arm and a leg

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ferdaaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.

I hate knight shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

Egg

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisRockley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did J. S. Bach always wear really skimpy bathing suits?

He loved to feel the air on the G string.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
To which season is bowtie pasta best suited?

It's for fall!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twitchard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Boy. I bet Anakin Skywalker must have paid a lot of money for his suit.

I think It may have cost him a couple arms and a couple legs.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valbranz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife β€œI hate to tell you this babe, but your bathing suit is too revealing and tight”

She said β€œthen wear your own one then”

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wolf that models suits?

A wear wolf

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealBobbyC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...

Toot Suite

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xrayhearing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a car being driven by a sheep wearing a swim-suit?

A Lamb Bikini

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop coughing when he went to try his new suit?

He had a coughing fit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call legal attire?

Law suits

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Who gets jazzed up to dry off people in suits of armor after dark?

A knight towel

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor.

Even my blood is a Type O!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Took an airline company to court today after my luggage went missing

I lost the case

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigg_UN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MediocrePay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Ironman without his suit?

Stark naked

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a potato in a hotel room?

A suite potato.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KomodoJo3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I threw a ball for my dog yesterday.

Well, it was his birthday and he looks good in a dinner suit.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a paralyzed zoo keeper's bathing suit?

A zoo-kini

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foreverlord777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do lawyers wear to work?

Law suits

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinotm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Grammar has never been my strong suit
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kacsaminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a well dressed man and a tired out dog?

One wears a suit and the other just pants.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Aitch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother always has hard candy inside a pocket of his 3-piece suit

He calls them β€œin vest mints”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says β€œBut I had a 3-piece suit.”

Tailor says β€œThe vest is yet to come.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cristarain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?

It cost him an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Choiceofart
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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