My spouse left me because of my obsession with Star Wars.

Divorce is strong with this one.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I have a spouse in a different nation.

The Imagination

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manggg1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Jedi's make lousy spouses

They always threaten to use divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 257
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boosui
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...

So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashscar14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Me and my spouse own an aquarium.

Today I accidentally set loose the dolphins.

My wife has no porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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What does a cow call their spouse?

Significant udder

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellaMajestic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Spouses are like world wars.

You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."

I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!

πŸ‘︎ 905
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeartOfDavid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
🚨︎ report
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?

Marriage, You wanna?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASMRamen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I was reading the newspaper yesterday and I skipped over a section dedicated to outing dried fruit that had cheated on their spouses.

Then again, I never was that into currant affairs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadkilldude4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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What do you call a mathematician's spouse?

Their significant figure.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guavawater
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?

A golden opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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Why do apiculturists' spouses think that their eyes are beautiful?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_brainfart_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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Where do pharmacists go to cheat on their spouses?

Ashley Medicine

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My teacher dadjoked his spouse

"Last year, ok, so it's Valentine's weekend, right? Well I'm going to the Auto show the day before the 14th, and my wife she goes: "So Valentine's day is coming up. And you're going to that auto show, I would love for you to get me something that can go from 0 to 200 within seconds!

So I got her a bathroom scale."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rysryan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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I can’t believe it’s not...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..

.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.

(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plantborb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I put cheese on the hamburgers.

My spouse said they tasted Gouda.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I once went on a date with a cross eyed girl

It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mudgestar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Dad joked my wife. She got me back.

Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation.

Her: "We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods."

Me: "Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting..."

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Because you eat staples!"

Her: "Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow."

πŸ‘︎ 674
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desearcher
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
I’m talking with my sister in law about the fruit salad she made (my best quick response I’ve ever had)

Last family picnic my sister in law made a really good fruit salad. I was talking with her an my spouse’s aunt about it. SIL was saying how she’d gotten a mini pineapple and mini watermelon for the salad.

The aunt asks β€œwhere’s you get all these mini fruit”

Without skipping a beat I reply β€œthe minimart!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coldovia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Time travelling theives

Late night conversation Me: What if every unexplained disappearance was because of time travelling theives? Spouse: That would be interesting. Me: And that's why my right sock always disappears from the washer. Spouse: The right sock? Me: I'm just assuming because there's only one left. Spouse:..... Me: That and time travelling theives wouldn't be dumb enough to steal the wrong sock. Spouse: Get out of the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saint_Juib
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Do you want some Ed mommy's beans?

My spouse said this to our son at dinner time.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtafk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Teacher Told Us a Dad joke in Class Today

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisisCarl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Triangle Trees

Walking in forest with family, spouse points and says, "those trees make a triangle!"

My response: "wouldn't that be a TREEangle"?

Nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philiph
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My Dad's Comedic Genius is Displayed at a Business Dinner

So my dad runs a small business and each year he takes the staff and their spouses out for a fancy dinner to thank them for all their hard work.

So the husband of one of his employees orders the tilapia, a fish entree. The waiter brings it over to him and the first thing my dad does is yell across the table, "Nice catch!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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Stationary zinger

Spouse: I'm out of staples. I didn't realize how often I used my stapler until I ran out.

Me: I guess you could say, they're a real staple...

Groans were had...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/couchparsnip
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Daylight Savings Time - oh my

Being retired, my spouse often loses track of time, days and dates. I reminded hubby that we would lose an hour tonight. The response - "I lose days at a time, an hour ain't nothing."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglesrun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
🚨︎ report
My father just posted this on Facebook.

MURDER AT COSTCO STORE

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this.........)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 Costco

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffyxsama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
🚨︎ report

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