Sandwich bread Puns

Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

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You could say his plans went a-rye.

It was delivered.

Sorry, wrong sub

The bartender says we don't serve food here

Me: "You want me to make you a sandwich?"

Son: "Ummm ... sure."

Me: grabs two slices of bread and puts his hand in between them "There, you're a hand sandwich."

If a movie company was filming a sandwich but instead of using bread they used a tortilla. Would they call it a wrap and not get any filming done at all?

My son made himself a banana sandwich.

Son: "This is what monkeys eat."

I thought I'd mess with him a bit on this "fact", and throw some dad humour at him.

Me: "What?! Monkeys don't eat sandwiches! How do they even bake the bread?"

Son: "With a g'rilla."

I think this kid is going places. I was completely outdone.

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

Mom: No Dad: yes you can, just sandwich it on two breads

Wife (making sandwiches and referring to the end slices of bread): “Do you want the ends?”

Me: as long as they justify the means.”

Wife: (groans)

-this morning-

Me: Can you make me a sandwich? Dad: I don't think they make bread big enough

Classic Dad.

So my mom bought a bag of ciabatta bread for sandwiches. She told my uncle and said he can have some. He asked if there was enough and I shouted "Yeah, Ciabatta whole bag!"

Will: Make me a sandwich

Jeffrey puts a slice of bread on Will's head

Jeffrey: There, you're a sandwich.

Wife was making some Greek sandwiches for lunch today and the pita bread wasn't cooperating.

Wife: "This pita bread is terrible."

Me: "Yup, it's awfully pita-ful."

Wife sighs.

Me: "What? That was awesome!"

Dad is in kitchen with bread and peanut butter, about to make himself a sandwich.
Me: Dad! Can you make me a sandwich? Dad: folds arms together and bows Dad: you are a sandwich

Every time I ask him to make food for me....

Waitress at luncheonette: what can I get you? Dad: I'll have a soup sandwich on waterproof bread.

I guess this is a thing now, Coleslaw sandwiches. They've even got a special bread for it. I was intrigued, so I made a special trip to pick one up.

I bought the slaw and the slaw bun
I bought the slaw and the slaw bun.

"Hey Coltron57, I stood up for you the other day." "You did? What happened?" "Someone said you ate shit sandwiches, I told them you couldn't have, you don't like bread".

my dad said: "my mom used to pack me a jam sandwich for lunch at school, she would take two pieces of bread and jam them together!"

So a couple guys and I went out to the local sandwich shop the other day, and when I get my sandwich there's some small but noticeable mold on the bread. I go back in to let them know about it and they make me another sandwich. I've got two sandwiches now and figure a bit of mold won't kill me. But it's a lot of food so I give half to my friend.

Then I say, "Hey, I just ate half my sandwich, and I've still got a whole one."

So my friend replies, "Well, I guess you can half your sandwich and eat it, too!"

So me and my dad were in the kitchen, he was making a sandwich since he is going on all day tomorrow on his motorbike. And as he is buttering the bread seems to just fall apart, due to its bad quality. I say "Is that whole bread?". He is still groaning now.

First off the guy calling bread back for sandwiches yelled "I have two kids and I needed a King's Roll!"

So I yelled back "I can get you a King's, but what do your children have to do with anything?" Chuckles and groans all around.

Then when I was on register:

"What can I get for you today?"

"I just need a second."

"Sorry, we're fresh out."

She just stared at me, but my coworkers laughed.

I'm too young to remember this one but it's one of my sisters favorite childhood memories. She's asked that I share it with you.

My mom was in the kitchen one afternoon making lunch for the family. She asked my dad what he wanted to eat and he replied "a light sandwich"

My mom then proceeded to put a small light bulb in his sandwich (small enough to not be super noticeable.

My sister, probably about 5 years old, was in a fit of giggles as she had noticed this. He took off the top slice of bread and saw the light bulb and just stared at my mom.

"Well...you did say you wanted a light sandwich"

So I was in line at my college's sandwich shop. The man behind me was one of the workers in the school's small post office, and also happens to be my friend's dad. He laid down a pretty good dad joke.

Sandwich lady: Next? What kind of bread can I get for you? Me: Hi, thank you, I'll have a white wrap. Him: Oh, I'll give you a white rap, "Yo, yo, yo, beatbox noises"

DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

I asked him what he wanted for lunch. He said : Make me a sandwich!

I put one silice of bread on either side of his head.

Dad: someone told me that you liked shit sandwiches Me: what the heck? Dad:yeah but don't worry, I stood up for you. I said you didn't like bread.