A revelation about Optimus Prime
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DevotionInChains
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2023
🚨︎ report
A ground shaking revelation

After a devastating earthquake Pat seesMike the Zen master and asks him - Why did this happen? He replies there are faults in everybody's karma in this region.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bhaskar_ssr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2022
🚨︎ report
I think the day after tomorrow should be called Twomorrow

I shared this revelation with two colleagues today, neither of whom saw the funny side. My genius is unappreciated, I swear.

πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Passive_Fist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2023
🚨︎ report
I just got some new shears to trim the bushes…

it’s real cutting hedge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brkngspydr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2023
🚨︎ report
I got in touch with my inner self today

I really need to buy 3ply toilet paper... and cut my finger nails.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Capt_Den
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2023
🚨︎ report
How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfPacific
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2022
🚨︎ report
What did the electrician’s boss say when he came late to work?

Wire you insulate?

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TbhJustAnotherGuy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2022
🚨︎ report
One time a battery theif was caught

The police told him he's getting charged for robbery

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Egg-celent
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2022
🚨︎ report
And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pvsocialmedia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2022
🚨︎ report
My cousin was trying to study for a spelling test. He kept getting hung up on the word 'apocalypse'.

I told him it wasn't the end of the world....

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FriskAvenue
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Revelations
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeast7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Some new information about earthquakes has just come out

Early sources say it's groundbreaking

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zqta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2022
🚨︎ report
I ran a marathon with my Bible in my hands.

Now my Psalms are all sweaty.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pvsocialmedia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you do if your toddler eats electrical cords?

Ground them until they conduct themselves properly

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ginger-Beefcake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?

He was dissed by the prose at a rave.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My new sweater had a lot of static so I returned it.

The company gave me a new one free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 359
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call a middle aged dinosaur?

Mybackisaurus

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFallenMessiah
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
🚨︎ report
I used to be a big metal fan.

But, with recent revelations, I have discovered that I, am an air conditioner.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyPineRaftGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2022
🚨︎ report
A pirate captain and his first mate were discussing....

... commissioning a new figurehead carving for their ship.

The first mate's suggestions were shot down one by one by the captain. A shark? An octopus? A giant squid? None were acceptable.

Finally, the first mate had a moment of revelation, "what about a mermaid with gigantic breasts?"

The captain agreed, "Yarrr, wooden tit be lovely."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2022
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of cookies doesn't follow orders

Revel bars

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jrdthn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Never thought my dad would do it

My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever.

Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese "You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web?"

I respond, "What? That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider?"

Dad says, "Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant." (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there)

I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys! Sorry it's so long.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DROpher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked Myself Earlier

I did laundry earlier (the dreaded task) and afterward I was putting it up. When I was just about done, I noticed there was only one sock left. I said to my roommate "Never fails. I always lose a sock when doing laundry." Then a second or two later I lifted a shirt up and the missing sock fell out. I then said "Would you look at that? It's the last sock. I guess you could say that was a socking revelation." Even I groaned slightly because of that one.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marshallu2018
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Here's a little St. Patrick's day Dad joke...

http://imgur.com/ybauBYJ

Log on to Facebook, look at the post from your father, cringe a little at your parents on Facebook, once you're over that... cringe at the joke, and finally revel in the always wonderful dad humor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvontesla
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.