It was Hughnanimous.
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
“You herd me.”
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
My husband asked me when would be a good time to schedule his dentist appointment. Before I could reply, our 10 year old daughter replied, "Tooth-hurty, of course."
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
He’s a total night mayor.
He replied “it is now”.
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
“I am the ghost of gasses passed.”
I said "Hi pregnant, I'm going to be Dad"
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
Yes, that's me. Is that it?
A Dell set fire to the train
"I love u too. It's my favorite letter."
Baguette
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
Jake says, “No, just a regular suit.”
"I've rounded them up"
It becomes unhinged
“So you haven’t tried turning on a light then?”
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
My wife, noticeably bothered asked "why didn't we just buy one? We were already at the store and tried them out!"
I responded "I need to sleep on it..."
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
The mailman responds “It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message”
"If you have ten dollars and ask your dad for ten dollars, how many dollars do you have?"
A student replied, "10 dollars"
The teacher responds, "You don't know your maths, kiddo"
To which the student replies, "Well you don't know my dad"
the first chef responds with “they can if they’re spring onions”
He responded: None, son. I was born with two and never grew any more.
Nein
She was giving my niece (3) and nephew (6) a bath. When they were done, the kids used their towels as capes and were running around naked yelling 'we are super heroes!!' My sister responded with, 'I don't think think there are any naked superheroes... Except maybe The Flash.'
I responded “But you’re not a freezer.”
I could feel the eye roll down the street.
The mathematician asks the baker,
"What's four times three?"
To which the baker responds,
"Thirteen."
So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.
I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"
My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"
I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"
As I’m walking down the hall I notice that my girls have their light on and they should be in bed already. I poke my head in and ask why their light is on. They replied that they’re looking for something. I turned off the light and responded that they should be looking for the back of their eyelids!
"Neither have eye."
The other fruit responded: “I’m sorry, I cantaloupe.”
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
That one is a freebie
I always respond with "ugh"
I guess the secret to a good meal is pairing food and wine that compliment each other!
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
So my mom has a phobia of mice and she found one in my old room (I’m away at college). My dad said he would “take care of it”, which he did, but then the cat killed another one and so she’s upset and was texting my dad things like “I can’t live here knowing there’s mice, it’s been nice knowing you.” And my dad’s first response was “you saying it’s been mice knowing me?” Such a classic dad move, I laughed so hard even though I probably shouldn’t have.
One of them goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan.
Years later, Juan sends his picture to his birth mother, who upon receiving it tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
His husbands responds,"They are twins, if you have seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
Mother superior confronts her and says "what on earth happened to you? You look like you've gone through a hedge backwards"
The Nunn responds "I know I've got a bad habit"
On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,
“Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?”
“No, why?” I responded.
“People are just dying to get in there!” he replied.
After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,
“But really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”
“Why not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.
“Because I’m not dead yet!”
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
“Thanks, it’s pure bread!”.
"Yeah," He responded
"They're Homie made."
A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.
Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"
Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.
The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.
Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"
Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."
She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"
He responds, "I shit you knot."
When I get pregnant, if my husband doesn’t respond with “Hi pregnant, I’m dad” to my “I’m pregnant”, this relationship is over.
The waiter responds “It’s tap quality”
I conduit
Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)
My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."
And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over." I wonder how many times before they airlock me.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
When I was 15 I asked my dad if I was a mistake. Without skipping a step he responded: "Not until after you were born."
Even my blood is a Type O!
...an InstaGram.
My 4y/o is watching a cartoon whereby there are some asteroids and meteors & says, “Oh my goodness gracious! Daddy! A meteor shower!!”
To which I responded, “Meatier than what? Campbell’s Chunky Soup?”
As long. as it doesn't. give. you irregular. periods.
I say, “You’re not my real hen!”, and then walk away.
The other responded "Four shore!"
So, a comedian walks onto the stage and says to his assistant: “Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?” The assistant responds with: “Sure” The comedian says: That’s the spirit!
The Audience goes silent. A ghost pops out of the wall and goes: boo. The Audience begins to boo.
She drinks it and goes: “Ugh, this tastes like dirt.”
He responds: “Well, honey, it was just ground.”
...a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
It was an awkward day at the dairy farmer’s magazine.
The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”
Medium-well.
Edit: over-medium is for eggs
Ted responds, “I know he’s a dick but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re bad for him”
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
