I'm a first responder
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/existenjoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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What do first responders give to a citrus farmer after an accident?

Lemon Aid

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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My iphone is only responding to Shirley instead of Siri.

I forgot I left it in Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.

I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with

"Heavy."

It's like my jokes carry no weight.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inarus06
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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I told my parents I was bisexual

My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"

I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"

He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :

I knead one of those!!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LagartoDorado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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How does the muslim butcher respond when someone cracks a joke?

"Ha Lol"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adithya_Meher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post

And he responded β€œoh so there’s reddiquette to it then”

(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:

C

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baltinerdist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...

...then we'll be C6.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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When Chris Hemsworth was cast by Marvel they gave him an exercise routine. When asked what he thought of it, he responded

I was Thor just thinking about it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"

Ay poppy

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thendofreason
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Just got lowballed. $5 for my guitar. Best way to respond?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotWilliam69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jgfum
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...

"What's the equation? (occasion)"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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I’m telling my 5yr old about the wonderful world of literature and she says it sounds boring. I responded with

But... it’s lit! Hits the dad dab

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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at the beach, i found a broken sand dollar, and i turned to Daughter, and said, hey i found a rapper...

she immediately responded, "50 cent"

it was rewarding because i could visibly see her internal groan at dumb dad joke, but then also self-horror that she was so quick to get the joke... win-win-win!!

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fajita43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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An English ship on the way to Germany suddenly starts making water and is about to capsize.. After some trying they finally manage to reach the coastguard "We're sinking, we're sinking!!"

.. A confused but also quite curious voice responds.. "What are you sinking about?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snugl-v301
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

πŸ‘︎ 626
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πŸ‘€︎ u/massivevivid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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He's too tired to respond
πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ch1ckenat0r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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10 year old responded with great dad joke.

My husband asked me when would be a good time to schedule his dentist appointment. Before I could reply, our 10 year old daughter replied, "Tooth-hurty, of course."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.

He’s a total night mayor.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I was placed under arrest for downloading the whole Wikipedia website

I told the officer "Wait! I can explain everything!!"

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manuel_f_p
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You’d think it’d be R, but it be the C!

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arsenaldavis10
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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The pennie joke

No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.

A $100 bill went to heaven and was heading towards the gate when St. Peter stopped him. The bill said "What's the matter?". And St. Pete said, "You can't go in". And the bill replied, "Why not? I've done nothing wrong. I was given to charity for the poor and I've been with the richest people on Earth". Right then, a $20 bill was passing by, and St. Peter stopped him as well. "What does this mean? I've been good with everyone and I've been given to the poor more times than the $100 bill". But St. Pete had none of it. Right then, a $1 bill was passing by and it too was stopped. "I've been given to the poor more times than any of these combined! This is outrageous!". And right then, an old, dirty and rusty pennie was passing through the gates, jumping with joy. He stopped for a moment and smiled at St. Pete. And St. Pete smiled back, as the pennie leaped into heaven. All the other bills were confused and enraged. And when they asked St. Pete why that filthy little coin was let in, and not them, St. Peter responded: "He was the only one to go to mass".

I hope you have a nice day!

P.S: No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshy2004194II
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Forbidden
πŸ‘︎ 694
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hustle_like_demon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word β€œthe” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...

your los.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rscott1691
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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One meth head asks another, β€œsooo... are we dating?”

The other responds, β€œno I thought we were just mething around.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihob21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, "Oh man, he's got a gun!"

The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilPeabnut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his β€œboom box”.

When I asked him why, he responded β€œI use it for all my jams!”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatKipp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked β€œis this felt?” To which I responded β€œno”.

He replied β€œit is now”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoopyeet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Prince Phillip is standing next to DMX in line for St. Peter, he's says "50?"

DMX respond "naw dawg that's a different rapper"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeseliM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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