I'm a first responder
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/existenjoy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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What do first responders give to a citrus farmer after an accident?

Lemon Aid

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Troubled_Millennial
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A pirate dad joke

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirateโ€™s peg leg, asking โ€œHowโ€™d you get that?โ€

โ€œAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.โ€

The sailor pointed to the pirateโ€™s hook and asked โ€œHowโ€™d you get that?โ€

โ€œAye, I fought Red Beardโ€™s crew and lost me hand.โ€

The sailor then pointed to the pirateโ€™s eyepatch, again asking โ€œHowโ€™d you get that?โ€

โ€œAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.โ€

The sailor responded with โ€œThatโ€™s not as impressive as the first twoโ€.

โ€œAye, it was me first day with me hook.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DelaneyElias
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for

The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder

The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault

The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs

The Fourth man simply says: Arson

The Second man asks him: What degree was it?

The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/InsectNation1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Patโ€™s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, โ€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.โ€ Charlie responds, โ€œgo away old man, Iโ€™m better than you ever were.โ€ Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said โ€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.โ€ Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. โ€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So donโ€™t get all cocky and think you are going to win.โ€ Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, โ€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!โ€ Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, โ€œSay that again! Say it again!โ€ The dog says a little confused, โ€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.โ€ Pat says, โ€œCharlie! Itโ€™s a talking dog!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnappyOrange69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks โ€œwhy should I hire you?โ€ The applicant responded โ€œI have a special talent!โ€

โ€œOh, and what is this special talent?โ€ Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

โ€œYouโ€™re hired!!โ€ He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked โ€œwho is he?โ€

The priest responded โ€œI donโ€™t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EveryoneGoesToRicks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says โ€œwhat happened? Onions canโ€™t jump by themselvesโ€

the first chef responds with โ€œthey can if theyโ€™re spring onionsโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebiunicorn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didnโ€™t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions โ€œso whatโ€™s the food like here??โ€ The other lions responded...

โ€œActually itโ€™s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SidB_22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd ...

He responded, โ€œAisle B, Backโ€

Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ anonymous Redditor!

Edit2: my wife doesnโ€™t use reddit. Sheโ€™s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (โ€œwhatever those areโ€). Happy Fatherโ€™s!

Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift ๐ŸŽ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/i_r_i_e
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said โ€œthanks, youโ€™re a lifesaver!โ€ The first one responded โ€œactually Iโ€™m a KitKatโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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It's that time of year again.

One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain".

His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?"

He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sur5er
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a โ€œW.C.โ€ in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for โ€œwater closetโ€ and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the โ€œW.C.โ€ is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a โ€œW.C.,โ€ and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled โ€œWayside Chapels.โ€ Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aย maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youย plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. ย I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I canโ€™t go as often as I used to. In fact, I havenโ€™t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Letโ€™s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Matching up with EMT girls on Tinder is the best!

Theyโ€™re all first responders.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pyredox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege โ€” well, it's my privilege โ€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/see2keroppi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.

When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?"

The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath:

"Irony," he replied.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BholeFire
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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The letters W and Z were getting married, and they invited all the other letters to their wedding...

The only ones who didn't respond were the letters T, X and Y.

So W and Z ordered 23 catered meals: 2 for them and 21 for their guests.

The wedding was great, but there was trouble at the reception. The letter T came, even though she didn't RSVP.

When the meals were being passed out, the chef served the groom (W) and bride (Z) first, then asked everyone else to line up alphabetically to come get their prepared plates. As the last two letters approached the chef, he said "there must be a mistake. I only have one meal left." Just then, T grabbed the last meal, and rudely said to the other letter "Sucks to be U."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_Compooper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, โ€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emilyโ€™s apple.โ€ He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabethโ€™s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emilyโ€™s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

โ€œFather,โ€ said Emily, โ€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.โ€

โ€œNo worries Em,โ€ responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.โ€

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

โ€œWhat is your answer, young man?โ€ declared the king.

The young man replied, โ€œIn order to calculate Elizabethโ€™s apples, you must ADD EMโ€™S APPLE.โ€

The king answered โ€œlol get it?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Diezlk9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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My girlfriend managed to dadjoke me

We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.

So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.

When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."

I love that girl.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Phonyhomeless
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2014
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Two waves met in the middle of the night behind a boat

The first wave asked, โ€œare you awake?โ€

The second responded, โ€œno, Iโ€™m a normal wave.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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Two cave men are hiding from a dinosaur in the bushes

Suddenly the dinosaur comes charging at them and they both flee. The first shouts "what kind of dinosaur IS that?" The other responds "Hemustasaurus"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/giblfiz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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I was golfing with my good buddies...

It was a foursome... Al, Jerry and Gerry. To ease confusion, we just call the (G)Jerryโ€™s by the first letter of their name... so Jay and Gee.

Anyways, we were playing the other day and I could tell that someone was wearing cologne. Why on a golf course? I donโ€™t know.

Now Iโ€™m kinda sensitive to odors and aromas and, sure enough, after a few holes, my eyes start to water and I start to sneeze.

I turn to Jay and say โ€œI think Iโ€™m allergic to someoneโ€™s cologneโ€

Jay responds, โ€œHmmm, Iโ€™m not wearing cologne, it must be Al or Geeโ€™sโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/saulfineman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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I told my friend that I follow r/dadjokes too

And he had the nerve to respond with โ€œwell why donโ€™t you follow the first one?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Goofball541
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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I Dad joked my roommates mother

Firstly, I am no Dad sorry. But here goes.

I was sitting on the couch watching TV and my roommates mother comes in. Since it was November I had a decent mustache grown.

She said, "Hey soooeasyjoe that mustache really suits you. Are you going to shave it afterwards?"

I responded, "I'm not sure, originally I did not like it, but its growing on me."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 548
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/soooeasyjoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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I Dad Joked my Dad

My brother was recently deployed for the military, my dad likes to send him stuff to keep in touch. One day my father says,

"Son, remind me about the letters."

I respond "sure dad A, B, C, D, E, F, G....."

Edit: Punctuation (This is my first time posting anything on Reddit.)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 160
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Crooked_Jester
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2016
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I got a haircut yesterday...

When my girlfriend saw my haircut for the first time she exclaimed, "It looks great!"

I responded, "Yeah, I didn't like it at first but it's really starting to grow on me..."

There was about three seconds of silence before I said "...get it?" and she groaned. I, of course, laughed hysterically.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 206
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/logancook44
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2014
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A priest was trying to liven up his church

So he invited a band to come in and play a few songs to get the church goers more excited to be there. On the bands first song the entire crowd of people turned around at the exact same time. A little boy asked his father "Daddy, what was that?" The boys dad responded "Well son, that was one direct shun."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/brhender
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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Just happened: Asked my dad โ€œwhatโ€™s the worst joke youโ€™ve seen?โ€

He responded โ€œI donโ€™t know, I can Nazi German wieners.โ€

I chuckled because of the first pun and then stood in awe realizing he was making fun of my question.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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[OC] - A clock and a shoe

are sitting at a doctor's office waiting to be seen. Attempting to make small talk, the shoe turns to the clock and says, "I went to buy the new Playstation but when I got there they were souled out. I guess I'll have to wait in line next time." The clock responds "I got one because I was the first in line. I've got plenty of time on my hands."

I'm sorry in advance.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/barscarsandguitars
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Dad in training...

My partner and I went in for her first appointment since we found out she is pregnant. While taking blood, she said, "that's a lot of vials." Immediately, I respond with, "I don't know why people call them that. I don't think they are so vile."

How am I doing? Will I make a good dad?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/i_am_a_goat_irl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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She still is down for a second date

Went on a date with a girl, and she was wearing a flannel shirt. She mentioned how her friends who are into fashion would kill her if they knew that she went on a first date in a flannel shirt.

I saw opportunity. I reached over, felt the arm and said, "this isn't flannel, is it felt?" She responds "No, I just said its Flannel" but I cut her off and said "IT IS NOW"

She didn't leave immediately, and we are going out again. Figured would let her know what she was getting into right away.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mhodesty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • Thatโ€™s all => Catโ€™s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eyl327
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Dad got us at dinner

Brother calls asking us to order first, since he was going to be late

My dad then says "it's not on the menu" in a disappointed voice.

"What isn't?" my mom asks

"First" responds my dad

Groans heard all around

๐Ÿ‘︎ 108
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/InnocentN3wb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
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My dad confused the drive-through kids.

I remember once going through a Dairy Queen drive-through, with my dad driving and ordering. This was in the years when drive-throughs were just switching to multiple windows, so they would instruct you as to what to do where.

The worker who took his order said, "Thank you, sir, that'll be $8.72 at the first window."

My dad replied, "Well, how much would it be at the second window?"

They didn't know how to respond.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 83
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Harmania
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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My Dad made TWO dadjokes while looking for my phone.

So I was looking for my phone a few days ago (I had plans with a friend) and I asked my Dad to call it, since the ringtone would go off and reveal where it was. Me: "Hey Dad, can you call my phone? I can't find it." Dad: "Sure Minihawking" "Minihawking's phone! Minihawking's phone!" "There, I called it, but it didn't respond!" "I'm serious Dad, I have to leave in a bit" "Hi there 'serious Dad I have to leave in a bit', I'm Dad!" At first I was a bit upset that he wasn't helping (I was in a hurry), but it was rather funny now that I think of it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 93
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Minihawking
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Got my boss today

My boss recently published his first book and said "Things have been a lot different since my book has been released", to which I responded "sounds like you are starting a new chapter in your life."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/torpeydoh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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In which my granddad out-dads my other granddad

Its my birthday. My granddad on my fathers side wants to tell a joke.

"There are three things that gets worse as you get older. First the memory, then your hearing, then your memory.

To which my granddad on my mothers side responds: "WHAT?!"

My granddad tells the joke again, and my granddad on my mothers side responds once again: "WHAT?!"

"I SAID THERE ARE THREE... oh...ah..."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/spooget3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
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My dad told me this joke when I was 12...

A little kid and his dad were walking past a shop one day when the kid spies a bright red tricycle in the store window. The kid starts to beg his dad for the it, saying that he never wanted anything more than that tricycle and that he would never be bad again. The dad simply asks the kid, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, disarmed, just says "No." to his dad, who responds "Too bad, then." and continues walking.

A few years later, the kid (now a teenager) and his dad were driving past a motorcycle dealership. The kid takes one look at a beautiful Panhead sitting outside and begins begging his dad for the motorcycle. The dad just looks at his kid again and asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, who had forgotten the tricycle until then, just responds with "No." His dad just chuckles and says "Too bad, then."

Fast forward another few years, the kid is now an adult coming home from his last year at college to see his folks. The first thing he does when he sees his dad is put on a great, big grin and ask him "Hey Pops! Can I get a Ferrari?". His dad, again, asks him "Can your dick touch your ass?", but this only makes the kid smile even wider. The kid responds with an enthusiastic "You betcha!", beaming right at his dad.

The dad just stares blankly at his son for a little while and tells him:

"Then you can go fuck yourself."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 90
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brohanwashere
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, โ€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,โ€ a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, โ€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.โ€ Oscar Levant has added a tag line: โ€œA pun is the lowest form of humorโ€”when you donโ€™t think of it first.โ€ John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: โ€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.โ€

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, โ€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... โ€

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and thoโ€™ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesnโ€™t mean that the punnery isnโ€™t fu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zil2mz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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If you make your bed, you might as well sleep in it.

I was asking my parents' permission to go on vacation with my friends at our condo on the coast.

Mom says, "Sure that's fine! That means you get to sleep in the master bedroom for the first time!"

I respond, "Yeah, I probably won't though... I mean that's your bed so I don't think I'd really be... comfortable."

Dad says, "Well then you better not sleep on the kitchen table either!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 256
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ooklah_the_Punk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said โ€œthanks, youโ€™re a lifesaver!โ€ The first one responded โ€œactually Iโ€™m a KitKatโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said โ€œthanks, youโ€™re a lifesaver!โ€ The first one responded โ€œactually Iโ€™m a KitKatโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...

The second one said โ€œthanks, youโ€™re a lifesaver!โ€ The first one responded โ€œactually Iโ€™m a KitKatโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mfitzy87
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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