My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
I got a donut for lunch, but I had to complain about it...
The manager asked, "did you have a problem with any particular part of the donut?"
I said yes. The hole thing.
(one of my only original jokes I've ever come up with.)
My neighbours complained about me groaning and moaning too loudly while having sex in the morning.
If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.
I called Robinhood to complain about not being able to buy more GME
Operator said “please hold”
Daughter (complaining): :Daaaad, that's boring!" Son (overhearing end of conversation): "What's boring?"
Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.
mum: snigger
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
Went to the doctors and complained that I had trouble urinating.
"So, take these pills to cure your waterworks problem, then give me a tinkle." the doctor said.
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
My wife has been complaining that I don’t buy her flowers. Tbh I don’t even know she started selling flowers.
Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.
My gf complained about our loud neighbours
Me: Then be as loud as them, it will cancel each other out
Gf: what kind of logic is that?
Me: Sound logic
I asked my grandpa, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift?”
Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.
What did the doctor prescribe to the supernova who was complaining of the aching of their leg?
My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.
I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.
As a transgender father, my son always complains that he can’t see me
A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore
I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... ‘Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’
I don't understand why people complain about COVID 19...
My mother will not stop complaining about her stairlift.
She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.
My wife was complaining about how our next door neighbor's wife started sunbathing nude in their backyard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
My daughter was complaining about doing exponents in math class.
I told her exponents are easier when you look to a higher power.
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
Mom complained when I asked for a few dollars in quarters to fill up my car’s tires.
Dad looked at me, shrugged and said “Inflation.”
My musician son was complaining about having to learn the theme song from Friends.
I said to him, "So no one told you life was gonna be this way?"
[Insert claps here]
I took my friend to an Indian buffet and he complained about the bread.
It turned out to be a Naan issue.
My wife complained that I don't do enough housework, so she forced me to vacuum
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry
He said, 'These just socks'.
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
You know, I don't understand why so many people complain about acne. I mean, don't people usually have twoknee?
My wife often complains that I'm a poor listener
But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.
I always get lost in my thoughts.
Pliers was complaining about the Screwdriver.
And then the Drill stepped in and said "Don't mind him. He's just a tool".
Restaurant messed up and gave me a garden salad instead of a Caesar salad. When I complained my little girl said,
“Dad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough times”.
My dairy farmer friend is always complaining about how little money he makes.
I think he’s just milking it.
I’m not sure why people continue to argue and complain about Star Wars
It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: it’s a sockrifice.
(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)
I like the smell of my wife whenever she complains about justifiable points
I really like her fairer moans
I don't know why people are complaining there's nothing to do. I've been stockpiling the whole day.
What do you say when your employee complains about his constipation?
A poor workman blames his stools.
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,
“I must have taken Lief off my census”.
What did Putin say after NATO complained about Russia's aggressive westward expansion?
My wife was complaining about how I overcooked the last chicken breast we had
A colleague at worked complained he couldn't find any clean cups. "Maybe they're in the naughty corner," I offered. "Why would they be there?" he asked.
"Because they were acting like mugs."
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