An angry Air Force Registered Nurse is mad AF RN.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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A man registered for a woodworking class...

A man registered for a woodworking class at his local college. At the end of orientation day, he went up to his professor and nervously enquired whether they would be learning how to make chairs.

"But of course," exclaimed the instructor. "Why?"

"Oh well you see," the man exhaled, visibly relieved "I suffer from IBS and my doctor requested a stool sample."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

β€œI must have taken Lief off my census”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight and 71.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NutDealer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Is a crappy cash register...

...a POS?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Smith82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I think the girl at the grocery store register likes me. She's always checking me out!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peacelovehap
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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The man at the register offered me some free Mentos

I said "No thanks, I prefer women toes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dasvott
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.

I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jHugley328
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Pills for the bull

I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Register your account
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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A friend and I went into business selling chess sets. During Christmas, we have to both work and ring people up at the register...

She's my check mate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts β€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: β€œWhat do we do?”

Cashier 2: β€œDo what he says, I think he means business!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iambaney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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I tried to register slimshady.com, but it turns out that it is owned by the US Government.

They cited Eminem Domain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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An author was mad at the store manager because not a single copy of his autobiography was making it past the cash register

I guess his story didn't check out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/immasebe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I didn’t understand what the cashier said..

Guess you could say it didn’t register with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaxsee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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The psychic had visions only when he sat up near the register at the diner.

It was counter intuitive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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My jokes have gotten so dad-ly

I've had to register them in three states.

They're considered cruel and unusual punishment in the other 47.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dracolytch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Most of the puns at Publix barely register. This one was the first groaner for me. imgur.com/xQ0uN9l
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electronicwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was wanted for manslaughter in the state of Ohio.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The99thRaider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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At the grocery store, and the lady at the register asks my dad if he'd like his milk in a bag

Dad doesn't miss a beat and replies, "no, just leave it in the jug." I almost died.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GroggyNodBagger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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My mom was paying at the register...

She owed four pennies:

Her: "I have four cents! -rummaging through purse-"

Me: "Actually, you were born also with a fifth sense."

Cue eye roll. Not the best work but it gave me a chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolimonreddit23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Cache registers are going to be the only thing Robot Johnny's memory has to look back on
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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How do you know if a joke is good?

It registers on the sighsmograph.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dencker60
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Every time my dad checks out at a register

Cashier: Did you find everything okay? Dad: I wasn't looking for everything smiles proudly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahoy_there
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2013
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Coolmathgames.com
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roboragemachine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Man at the cash register said I had a drinking problem.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ceno65
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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6 was scared if 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadMeatsEvil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Why did was six afraid of seven?

Seven was a registered six offender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Go_Commit_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathiasthewise
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dubbs2dubbs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sictirul
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flappingowl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Why was six afraid of seven?

'Cause he was a registered six offender

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andytjr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered six offender.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtylongs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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