It chew chews it!?
Credit: My 3 year old, who validated the joke through my 6 year old.
I'm not sure, but I bet he had a loco motive.
They eventually run off the rails.
They're decoupling.
Cause they can't decide who's responsible for opening the doors.
“Hey, a train just went by!"
“How do you know, daddy?”
“Because its tracks are still here!”
So I punched him in defense
And then it hit me
The culprits left no tracks
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Off the rails
I was at a met station waiting for a met yesterday to go see my dad and this old man came up to me tapped me on the shoulder and said
"Don't turn around. We know who you are and we have come to help."
"Help with what?"
"You'll know soon but it's OK we are on your side"
He then walked off the met stop on the phone as if he wasn't even waiting for a met.
So it fucking turned out right my dad knows this fucking guy from working on the taxis and the guy text my dad to say he had seen me. My dad tells this guy to fucking follow me onto the met stop and play out this fucking routine.
^^^Edit:Fuck
My dads a dick...
Brit glossary:
Met = Metrolink -http://www.metrolink.co.uk/Pages/default.aspx - Overground rail travel. (Tram)
whilst crossing over rail road tracks What how is that so?
It left it's Tracks behind.
26 years old. Still fucking fall for it
Because it has loco motives
I guess you could say I have a loco motive
He had loco-motives
He's going off the rails
Yesterday I was helping my old man install the railing on his new deck. He stopped and said hey look at this weird green lady bug. I told him it must not be ripe yet.
Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.
A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.
A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.
Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.
Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...
What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)
People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.
His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.
Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!
Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)
There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)
Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.
When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.
Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)
If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.
There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.
There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.
Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)
Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.
In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.
Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?
Doc: There's something not q
... keep reading on reddit ➡Once upon a time Quasimodo was growing old and wanted to retire. Before he could, he had to hire someone new to ring the bells of the Church of Notre Dame in his place. He placed an ad in the newspaper but only one man showed up for the interview. This man happened to have no arms. The man begged Quasimodo to give him a chance, and that despite his appearance he could indeed perform the duties of the job. Quasimodo eventually caved and gave him a chance. The next day at 1:00 sharp they met in the bell tower. The man with no arms takes a wide stance near the edge of the room and charges directly towards the bell at a dead sprint. He smacks the bell squarely with his head and it produces a wonderful sonorous ring. Pleased with the results, Quasimodo tells him that if he can continue to ring the bell for the rest of the day he has the job. 2:00 passes and the man with no arms headbuts the bell twice, at 3:00 three times, and on and on until at 12:00 he produces only 11 rings before he was so disoriented and concussed that he charges right past the bell, over the railing, and falls to his death. The next day when the police investigate the mysterious death of an unknown man with no arms Quasimodo was asked if he knew anything about the dead man. He told them " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell"
Officials say he was driven by a loco-motive.
Dad: well, it's obvious - she was well trained
There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.
He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.
One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.
Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.
"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"
"Just a single banana." he said.
After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...
...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...
...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...
And for whatever reason, he got his job back!
So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!
Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."
Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....
NOTHING.
... keep reading on reddit ➡A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
I was putting freshly delivered product on the racks and found that the rail for a particular shirt was full. When I returned it to the stockroom, I told the stockroom girl that it was shirt-plus to requirements.
Went out for an anniversary dinner with the wife and kids to the Old Spaghetti Factory. If you're not familiar, their mascot is a trolley car and most restaurants have one right in the middle.
We got seated at a table in the trolley, and service was great... At first. And then it became apparent that our server had given up on any sort of tip. So, at the end of the meal...
Wife: "We shouldn't tip her very well. Our service was terrible at the end."
Me: "Yeah, it really went off the rails."
Wife: eyeroll
my girlfriend, her friend, and I were all in a coffee shop doing some studying when she she started thinking. I said something to her friend and after I finished my sentence I was able to unleash this beauty.
Girlfriend: Damn it! I lost my train of thought! Where did it go?
Me: It probably de-railed itself.
I then started to lose it and was hysterically laughing while I received a look of total disappointment.
“Hey, a train just went by!"
“How do you know daddy?”
“Because its tracks are still here!”
“How many trains have you derailed to date?” I replied “It’s hard to keep track.”
It left its tracks.
It's off the rails! But it's nothing like space food. It's out of this world!
