Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...

...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theposshow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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A bee sea!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CinnamonSins1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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I had to throw rotting chicken in the trash.

It smelled fowl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateChop231
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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What do you call 6 tubas?

A seisaphone

And anyone who says a sixba can rot in hell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommanderKooKoo6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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My dad told me this just now

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZAP_Riptide
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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What vegetable can be used as a weapon in prison?

Car-rot of Shivia

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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What birds can’t be left alone?

β€˜Pair’rots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathKraken933
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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What do you call a bird that is below average?

A subparrot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots

But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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What did the zombie girl say to the zombie boy?

Are you going to kiss me or rot?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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The metal gate at the old mansion was badly decayed...

As though it were made of "rot" iron.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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My wife has been asking for massages...

My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"

I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LickItAndSpreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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