My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...

I said, "well, speak of the devil!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:

Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunn_with_this
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Did you hear about the bald eagle that became a preacher?

He thought he was a bird of pray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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The preachers are up in arms about Trump's plan to add more hydroelectric power plants.

They are worried about the damnation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

"Ah," he said, "That's my altar ego."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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What did the preacher say to the streaker?

Repant, the end is in sight!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetaEd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, β€œHey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, β€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, β€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, β€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?” β€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” β€œI don’t know,” says God. β€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, β€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leoninator123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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What did the skunk preacher say to his congregation?

LET US SPRAY!

My 73 year old dad told this joke to me this morning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/May_I_inquire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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After the preacher farted during the service

He noticed an extra pew in the church.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/backup41
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Did anyone ever hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?

Nun showed up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravenclaw_VIII
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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The Vice President, his brother, his wife, and their three children were all short on cash so they went to their local church for help. The preacher said he couldn’t spot that many people but pointed them to someone wealthier, who could: Sister Mary.

β€œSIX Pence? Nun the richer.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howardstackhouse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
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I went to church in the garden

The preacher said lettuce pray

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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The thing about musicians is.....

While driving in the car listening to some Manic Street Preachers and discussing the death of Richey Edwards.

Dad: "isn't it odd how many successful musicians seem eclectic and somewhat dysfunctional" Me: "they probably would not have been successful songwriters if they weren't" Dad: "or so good at playing the eclectic guitar"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kermit_the_cog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
🚨︎ report

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