My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?

That they're politicool...

Im biased but i think its genius

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happy1327
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
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So I just found out some politicians with bowel problems are unfairly helping other politicians with bowel problems rise to power.

I guess our government has a problem with crohnyism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caligari87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
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Why are environmentalists the most boring politicians?

They are always recycling their speeches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murasama23
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
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My YouTube keeps recommending videos of politicians dancing

Must be the Al gore rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
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What type of medical condition excites politicians?

Pro-state cancer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LopsidedVader
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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Which symptom is shared by all the politicians worldwide?

Constipation. They are always full of shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ May 11
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What type of disease are politicians afraid of?

Pro-state cancer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LopsidedVader
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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Did you hear about the politician who came home late at night after a hard day at work?

He was Satired'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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What happens if you give a Viagra to a politician?

He gets taller.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larincolinco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig ?

The F

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the g

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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What do politicians wear to give their agenda speeches?

Platform shoes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seems to be a pretty accomplished politician...

Imagine if she was Fulltime-Cortez!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kettykie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician...

I was just sitting around doing nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Did you see the face on that politician after they won a cephalopod bribery tournament?

It was quite the squid pro glow!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Why do corrupt politicians learn to play the harp so easily?

They're good at pulling strings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Politicians have a hard job when it comes to proofreading...

If they don't go back and fix their mistakes, they're letting the Errorists win. But if they do fix mistakes, they're being Eracist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cesartheking
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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why are politicians so frustrating to argue with?

because they always act on aMotion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adc2502
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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Why do Programmers make good politicians?

Their goto is to switch statements.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Did you hear about the scandal-plagued politician who insisted on taking the elevator?

He refused to step down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.

Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.

Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diehardpuns
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Did you here about the politician who could never get further in his career?

He suffered from Electile dysfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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What do you call a cheesy politician?

Nigel Fromage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fatboyonadiet4lyf
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100ft down?

Deep down, they are good people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbradford03
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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What happens when a politician takes a viagra?

They get taller!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psybud16
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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Which UK politician is against deforestation?

Treesa May.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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What do you call a politician speaking to a panel

An anal probe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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Say what you want about Ben Carson as a politician, but as a person he is truly inspirational.

He really opened a lot of young minds!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IntingPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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Three honest politicians walk into a bar...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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Did you hear about the horse politician?

She ran for mare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/many_pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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A politician tried to engage me in a battle of wits, but i declined ....

I wont fight an unarmed man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Every time I hear a politician speak, I have this overwhelming feeling that I’ve heard this bullshit before.

Psychologists call it DΓ©jΓ  poo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Did you hear about the pirate who became a politician?

He had very good arrrrrguments.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kimjungugh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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If I'm honest I could never be a politician.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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I accidentally installed a program that keeps on showing me pictures of Chinese politicians.

I think it’s maoware.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBritishSnob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oktayey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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Who is that Texas politician who is on a high fat, low carb diet?

Keto O’Rourke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hew3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store.

He is now a piller of the community.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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What is a politicians favorite musical instrument?

The lyre...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dnoldbzz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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How do you become a politician when you're tired?

You walk for office!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thiagovscoelho
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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What do politicians eat for dinner?

Democrats: chicken cordon bleu

Republicans: chicken cordon red

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πŸ‘€︎ u/devasohouse
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Did you hear about the politician with no body?

They say he's ahead in the polls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sublimiacures
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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Three elected politicians form a band.

They called themselves MP3.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TalisFletcher
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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Why did the politician get sick?

Because he was trying to become in-flu-ential...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skylerdraco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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A lot of politicians use statistics like a bikini.

They reveal what is suggestive, but conceal what is vital.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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Politicians never discuss Indian flatbreads.

They say it's just a naan issue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshuatx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
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It's not every day you get the chance to get a politician

http://i.imgur.com/3IO9ce8.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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What's the worst thing to happen to an American politician?

In DC-ent exposure!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Archaetorrhi
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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How did the Jewish politician win his election?

He ran a schmear campaign.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neutral_cadence
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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Politicians and Guns

My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....

"Figured Id give 'em a shot"

Now let that sink in like I had too!

Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwanttosleep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig....?

The F.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Did you hear about the politician with no body?

They say he's ahead in the polls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sublimiacures
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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