Paycheck Puns

....but now that I'm older and better established, I live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Turns out I have insufficient puns.

The snowbank

Thankfully it didn't bounce.

My first paycheck was washing the outside walls of a Ramada. It was an inn side job.

Mom: I know I'm tired, but I got to get those extra hours whenever I can. My checks are getting smaller and smaller.
Dad: No, the checks are always the same size.

She said ok I'll "check". Damn I married a winner

Getting my check it said one hundred and thirty three dollars and no cents.

My dad said "wow that's a lot of money"

I replied "I don't know, It makes no cents to me"

dad looked at me proudly

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.

He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."

"And the hot dogs?" I asked

"Nitrates"

If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.

Crap runs downhill, paycheck comes on Friday, and don’t bite your fingernails.

You could say I'm living my life paycheck to Palahniuk

“Haha! Joke’s on you!”

He hasn’t sent me a paycheck yet

My wife and I were shopping and noticed the store had a bunch of fall flowers in pots out front.

My wife: "Oh look! They have mums! What size should I get?"

Me: "Well, my paycheck hasn't hit the bank yet, so we should probably keep our purchases to a mini-mum."

My wife: " ... "

Stanley Shithead was made fun of for his entire life. "Shithead, Shithead, Shithead", his peers in highscool would chant. "Hey Shithead, have you finished your paperwork?", his co-workers would tease.

Stanley had had enough of this. He was going to change his name once and for all!

"Here's your paycheck, Mr. Shithead"

"Please, call me Chris"

While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"

I was telling my boyfriend's father how excited I was to get my first paycheck from the bakery I work at.

He responds, "I bet you're excited for all that DOUGH!".

Laughter ensued.

Dad: So tomorrow I am going to lost wages Me: What? Dad: Las Vegas, get it? -5 minutes later- Dad: We need to go shopping to whole paycheck Me: ? Dad: Sorry I meant whole foods, get it? cause it takes a whole paycheck to buy food there!

I go to college in Wisconsin but I am from Texas, and I went to go cash my paycheck today. Cash register lady asks for my ID and says, "The abbreviation for Texas is TX, right?" I say, "Yeah that's correct." She says, "Okay" I respond, "No, that's Oklahoma."

Flew over her head but I got a couple of chuckles out of the dad's behind me in line.

...And one of the player's name is "Miskin" (Polish setter for Jasztrebski-Wegiel, a very well known club in Poland and Europe). Us being Indonesian, the word "miskin" means "poor" as in not having money.

So during the whole game my dad would say stuff like:

• "How come does he play in a prestigious club and still end up being poor?"

• "Maybe if he gets his paycheck they will finally write "Rich" ("Kaya" in Indonesian) on his jersey."

And other phrases I managed to forget.

When he says them, my mom who isn't watching, would stop whatever she was doing to raise her head to stare into the emptiness and shake her head.

We had a very nice family dinner this evening, and my dad ordered a large entrée that he was determined to finish. After we finished, the waiter came back to wrap everything up and my dad asked "do you have a paycheck for me out back?" ..."because man did I work at that"

Coworker: How do I pick up my paycheck?

Boss: With your hands.

audible groans