Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.
I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.
As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.
I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.
Enjoy
A solar bear
Bonus: what do you call a bear that practices dentistry?
A molar bear
A square dance
I was well prepared!
If you can't come let me know
They really did bone us on that one.
Geometry
No i-dear.
Bonus What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs?
Still, no I-dear
Bonus What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?
Still no fucking i-dear
Your partner will have no complaints about blowing your bonus.....
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
A microwave
A noun that has lost its amateur status
It was really sad to see my Van Gogh.
BONUS-
I head back to the Honda dealership to purchase a truck, but instead I Tacoma Toyota.
3k.
It asked for a pick-up line using topics from our class (Programming Languages). Here's what I wrote:
>Smalltalk is nice, but how about a date over a nice cup of Java?
^My ^first ^dad ^joke! ^^I'm ^^so ^^proud ^^of ^^myself
It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).
Itβs really intents
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" "NO EYED-DEER"
My favorite, not so much a joke as him being silly, but when I was young, I said "dad, what's for dinner?", he turned to me quickly and shouted, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!, DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WEATHERMAN?!" And casually walked away. :3
They could call them CRISPRs
When he got to old man Johnsonβs house the old man said βMy yard doesnβt need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. Iβll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown Iβll throw in a 50 dollar bonusβ.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnsonβs door to collect his hundred dollars.
βAll finished, thatβll be one hundred dollarsβ!
Noticing there wasnβt a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
βNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porchβ?
βI sure am! Oh and by the way thatβs not a porch, itβs a Ferrariβ!
Classic dad move: Boyfriend's dad left a (phone) message to make sure we got his email.
BF text: Got voicemail. We'll call later. We're househunting, wish us luck.
Dad: need a good rifle, LOL --Dad
He signs all his texts.
edit: formatting
I told my dad the joke "If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic." He said, if life gives you great melons, date em. If life throws in a great personality, pucker up and get married.
Honey, can you give me some sage advice on cutting the turkey? B-I-L addition: We'll give you some tyme.....
I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???
When it turns red.
BONUS CONTENT: I painfully remembered this one while cooking dinner tonight.
It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"
Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.
iglooed it!
Bonus joke:
And he did it all by his elf!
We were staying in a hotel room that had a balcony door that didnβt fully close which causes a lot of city noise to come in.
Itβs the morning and we are still in bed when she says, βI canβt stand this room!β
I reply, βWell, itβs a good thing youβre lying down!β
I was then pummeled with pillows.
I'm terrible at coming up with puns, so I'd love some help here! I'm in need of a female name (both first and last) that sounds like it's from around the Victorian era and also is a pun. The more ridiculous the better. Bonus points if it's sexual, kind of like Ivana Humpalot.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
My first, "official dad" dad joke. How'd I do?
They only listen to the Bee-side.
Bonus: what would be the perfect line-up for a bee concert?
The Beegees, Sting and Queen.
Bonus 2: Bees' favorite Spice Girls song?
Wannabee.
Bonus 3: Favorite classical artist?
Ludwig van Beethoven.
Bonus 4: Favorite cartoon?
Beevis and Buzzhead.
I'll stop now, before everyone flies off the handle and tells me to buzz off.
Ten tickles
BONUS: How can you be sure youβre doing it right?
Test tickles
im stumped hahaha
Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.
I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"
To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."
My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.
My work here is done...
On our way to breakfast, we passed a restaurant called Fogata's... Wife: I haven't heard anything good or bad about this place. Me: Oh I have. But I fogata bout it.
Bonus: First post!
A duck got a job at a farm, where there was a chicken who ran the place. The chicken was delighted to have the duck join his crew, he personally took the duck around the place and introduced him to all the other farm animals. At the end of the tour the duck asked a question. Duck: Is there anything I should avoid doing here? Chicken: Don't cross the road, you'll never hear the end of it.
Bonus: http://blog.rafihecht.com/files/2013/02/chicken-crossing-road.jpg
Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both.
I'll even submit it to National Geographic, they'll give me a full-page spread.
When I complained about having to pee so much she told me I needed electrolytes. I asked her if I could replace electrolytes with just one... electroheavy.
