Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.

I took what he said with a grain of salt.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/battebatmand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.

Guess that's my New Year's Resolution

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AqViolet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
All the hair dressers all closed due to covid, so I start looking to the black market for a haircut

But I heard they were under cutting everyone

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B0B0oo7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......

I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darthchris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to my flatulent habits my daughters have started calling me "Farther"

They didn't like it when I retaliated with...

"Daughturds"

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wasprobot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to all the COVID restrictions this year, a maximum of only 6 of the 7 dwarves could meet up

None of them were Happy :-(

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshually
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.

I guess only small gatherings are allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a young adult who can’t leave her house due to a pandemic?

Quaran-teen

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.

They are preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerFluff27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was demoted to part time as orchestra conductor due to budget cuts

Now he's a semiconductor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CynAq
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.

"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the pandemic, we should all avoid buying butter.

Together we can stop the spread.

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.

Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the quarantine

I’ll only be telling inside jokes

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/6fear6me6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
This is the first year I'm not taking a vacation to Hawaii due to Covid.

Normally I don't go because I can't afford it.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him β€œSudden Lee”

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly due to a neurological condition, I have a permanent hand tremor..

Good side is that when I do a handshake, I do it literally.

(Condition is inoperable brain tumour)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Well we can't use tables due to lockdown.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle died due to drinking furniture polish...

...it was a slow death, but a beautiful finish

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gingernuts13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Pumpernickel never gets its due.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theCoctorIsIn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.

β€œYou will have your cake and eat it too.”

PS: this is the best gift I can get today.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad told me to wear my pants very high due to the pandemic

He said the best way to not get infected is to practice proper high-jeans

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_cat_says_woof
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the Coronavirus, there is a huge shortage of maternity ward staff.

It’s a midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who owns a yachting business, but had to work from home due to the pandemic...

Now his sails are through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DNDLoser07
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!

We're having a midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rememberlans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why

Why

πŸ‘︎ 398
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!

Because he is the supreme ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Iron man yielded infinity stones and after the snap, due to stones’ immense power, he died!

Apparently, it turned out to not be his strong suit!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HarabharaKabab_12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.

It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OlaviVirtahepo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are currently due our third, and I don't remember the other pregnancies being this long.

This one seems to be lasting a maternity.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JediWithBenefits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the state of the pandemic I decided to move to my house boat for a while

I'm boating absentee

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sycliantableigit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...

To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Messy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the current economic climate, our Diner menu for Profiteroles was renamed to..

..Deficiteroles

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:

β€œSorry, we’re clothed.”

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.

They just want to like, dye.

(OC)

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lazy-Potential
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to covid-19, finland closed its borders to international marathon runners.

The racers ran anyways but unfortunately no one crossed the finnish line

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IGotSkills
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to COVID, the King of Spain is in quarantine primarily aboard his private jet.

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the state of quarantine i wont be posting regular jokes

Itll be only inside jokes from now

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CornLuck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,

It was the wurst kΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Partybomber3214
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to work in a restaurant abnd my specialty was to make the icecreams and cakes, due to my busy schedule I had to quit...

Nonetheless they all call me a deserter

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lowlz13
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.

His office is run by a skeleton crew.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASPYDERMONKEE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œDue to the rising number of dolphin attacks, we’ve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach.”

β€œWe hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/okaypuck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the quarantine,

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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