I went through the trouble of cooking goose and pairing it with a exceptional whisky, but my sister hated it.
Last night at the bar though she swore she need that fine rye and gosling in her life. I was sure it would Drive her crazy. What Eva
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 28 2018
My mom was talking about pairing wine with food: "Some people over complicate it. This one with sea creatures, that one for everything else"
Dad:
> ...'C' creatures... like cows? Chickens?
Mom:
> .............
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︎ Dec 28 2016
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"
"In case they get a hole in one!"
π︎ 45
π
︎ May 11 2021
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Donβt know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
π︎ 181
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Why did the aspiring programmer buy a pair of glasses?
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
The Heinz company came out with a pair of eyeglasses.
They claim it will make your vision 57/57
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I have two pairs of trousers, but I prefer one of them for golfing
Because thereβs a hole in one
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
My friend asked why I always bought an extra pair of socks when golfing...
'In case I get a hole in one'
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
I had a dream where I was chased by a massive pair of shoes.
Catching up to me was no small feet.
π︎ 35
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "I keep thinking I'm a French pair of shoes."
Psychiatrist says, "What makes you chasseur?"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
My wife: I just got this new pair of glasses. How do I look?
Me: As always, I recommend using your eyes.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Iβm giving away a pair of gloves that donβt fit me anymore.
Can somebody come take them off my hands?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
I saw a pair of watermelons getting married
It was a pretty big wedding. As it turns out, melons cantaloupe.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Coming this fall to CBS, a new sitcom about a pair of actresses living in the 17th Century...
Itβs called β2 Baroque Girlsβ.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I always keep an extra pair of gloves with me in the winter
Theyβre just a good thing to have on-hand
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
I went to the shoe store today and bought the same pair of shoes I bought last time.
I think Iβve found my sole-mate
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My lazy son insisted that I buy him a pair of $200 sneakers.
But I bought him loafers instead.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
What do you do when your Bluetooth device doesn't pair?
You repair it...
(Sorry I will show myself out)
π︎ 115
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
Did you hear about the optician who made the biggest pair of glasses in the world?
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
Why did the pair of glasses get a job as a math tutor?
Because they help with division.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
What do you call 2 birds stuck together?
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
Well just calm down and pull yourself together.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Did you hear one about the camping pair of dwarves?
Itβs a little two in tents.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
What do you call a smart pair of pants?
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar
The bartender said "I'll serve you, BUT DON'T START ANYTHING!"
π︎ 45
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
What is a synonym for a pair of shoes?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Why did the distance runner buy a new pair of shoes?
It would be helpful in the long run.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
I recently bought a new pair of Orpothedic shoes
Doctor: No, it's pronounced 'Orthopedic'
Me: Ah, I stand corrected
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Which TV show pair has the best chemistry?
Walter White and Jesse Pinkman.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
When I go grocery shopping, I always buy one pear
And then demand a second one, due to false advertising
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
Why are ambulance drivers called paramedics?
Because that's what they are, a pair-of-medics.
π︎ 46
π
︎ May 05 2021
Vin Diesel should commission a heraldic crest under his first name, a pair of snakes intertwined with fangs bared...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Why did the golfer have two pairs of pants?
Just in case he made a hole in one
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
Why do golfers where 2 pairs of pants?
Incase they get a Hole-in-one.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 08 2021
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
I always bring an extra pair of pants golfing...
...just in case I get a hole in one.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
I bought a pair of shoes from this drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping the whole day.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Why does a golfer always wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one.
π︎ 65
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants
In case they get a hole in one
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
What do you call a pair of shoes ?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 06 2020
Why did the golfer have an extra pair of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
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