Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.

Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahlonMurder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Cop to me: I clocked your friend at over 80 MPH

Me to cop: You're lying! Nobody can punch that fast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djibarov
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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State Police pulled me over for going 7 mph over the speed limit. He said he would let me off with a warning, though.

I said, "Thanks. You're a real trooper."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anyeyeball
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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Lets go back to the future!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ki00b
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Why Isnt Ejaculation Allowed On School Property

Because it goes 27 mph.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Puberty2or3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What does a race car driver say when he has nothing else to say in an argument?

Mph.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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New car = great dad joke?

I bought a 2004 VW Beetle Turbo a few months ago. While driving down the road, I heard a sort of mechanical shifting sound whenever I went over 45 MPH. I didn't think anything of it at first, but it continued every single time. I finally turned to Google to make sure my car wasn't broken. Found out that the Turbo models have a hidden spoiler at the top of the rear windshield that pops out at high speeds.

Relaying the story to my friend later, I told her, "I guess the dealership should have given me a....spoiler alert."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawritsmoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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What's the slowest a bear can run?

The bear minimum speed is 25 mph?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaruNerd100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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Going down the highway today I saw a sign that said "test message"

How in the world do they expect me to have time to test it when I'm going past at 60 mph?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenclawMuggle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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My father and space travel...

I have been watching our 'tax payer funded' spaceman Major Tim Peake's intergalactic adventures with very limited interest and have done some some pretty basic arithmetic. The ISS is 250 miles above the Earth,and Tim and his spaceman mates took off at 11am -ish, and it took 7 hrs to get there. Fuck me that is just a little over 35 mph, my first car an mk1 escort would have got there quicker!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/z-2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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Watching the Royals / Blue Jays

Me: that pitcher just threw a cheeseburger at the catcher.

Son: what?

Me: yeah, it was a 100 mph slider.

My sons all laugh and the wife rolls her eyes. I'll take it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2015
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Even during this, my dad still tries to pull off a joke

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Dad jokes at baseball practice

Background: Head on a swivel = slang for "quick reflexes", more or less.

So some of us were taking a water break on the bench, when I spotted a wild baseball traveling right for my head going about 80 mph out of the corner of my eye. I lifted my glove and caught it in the most nonchalant way I could.

Team mate: Wow dude, way to keep your head on a swivel.

Me: Oh, no, my head is on a neck.

Team mate: blank stare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mdog95
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Idea

Driving down a country road doing about 35-40 mph when all of the sudden my dad slams on the brakes. "I have an idea", he says as he's pointing to something out my passenger window. I asked him what he's pointing to and just repeats the joke when i notice there's a light bulb on the side of the road.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessorSalami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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