What to you call a legume with facial hair?

A mustachio!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHFanEdits
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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Which legume do you find in women's toilets?

chickpeas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/okwowsure
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I make sure to eat legumes whenever I'm stressed.

It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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My friend became ineffective, unsuccessful and unpopular after changing his diet to nothing but legumes...

He's a has-bean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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How do legume wars end?

With a peas treaty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semi-Empathetic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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I transferred my consciousness into a legume

I’m a human bean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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The carat, a unit of mass for gemstones, and a measurement of purity for gold, takes its name from the Greek word for a carob seed from the Legume family.

No wonder they are called the Pirates of the Carob Bean.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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I made a joke about legumes the other day...

...You should've bean there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/khan_the_terrible
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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Creature from the Black Legumes imgur.com/7kCWpRg
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πŸ‘€︎ u/journeyman369
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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What did the one legume say to the other about their friend after a heavy night of drinking?

Chickpeas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wearentfriendsyet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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2 peanuts were walking down the road....

One was assaulted.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moonpies4everyone
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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I don’t carrot all
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wizartti
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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what do you get when you cross a swamp monster with a bean?

The creature from the black legume!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psychodelicasies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Girlfriend got me good while entering the elevator.

The door opened and I said: "After you my dear". Her response: "Thank you my elk"!

It took me a while to realize it, but damn I'm proud.

Edit: Geez thanks for all the entertaining comments, I woke up to a plethora of notifications! I appreciate it everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rskrely
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2016
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one day i started to have sex with peanuts

I was fucking nuts

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fefealzueta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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What do you call a peanut in space?

An Astro-nut!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/18249m
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Oh no! someone pee'd all over the floor. imgur.com/hy6HI3Z
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxethOGrady
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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What did the peanut say to the flight attendant?

Ugh, I hate flying, I never have enough legume

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisotterbefun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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My daughter emptied a bag of dry beans inside my van

The van has never had so much legume!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mybaldbabyyy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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A matter of Classification

Girlfriend: Are soybeans a vegetable or a legume?

Me: Never legume. It makes a leg out of you and me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quasic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2015
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