An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
CORN-graduations!
First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.
While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."
I was so proud.
Because it has seen some shit
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Its just cancelling your pre-order.
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
They have onlyfans.
It's called Czech-Mate.
Because they can't even.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
She looked surprised.
Beam me up biscotti.
I had to quit my job at the recycling plant last month. I'm really bummed. Why you ask? It was soda-pressing! Lmfao my friends groan every time they hear it.
Cacciatore
it's syncing
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
So my s/o gets super crossed when I tell him puns. I'd greatly appreciate if you guys could drop your cheesiest puns.
Because they are "gas" stations.
he goes, I added a bunch to my "watch list" and proceeds to crack up for the next 5 minutes
He asked me what her name was.
Me: "Lol, in University I make a ham and cheese sandwich for like every meal"
Mom: "Don't you wanna eat something more healthy?"
Me: "No mom, it's so good and so easy to make"
Mom: "But also so unhealthy to eat it all the time"
Dad: "Hah, so why don't you just make a cheese and ham sandwich instead of a ham and cheese sandwich? Must be way healthier! HAHAHAHA lmfao...."
-silence-
The following is a text exchange between me and a friend:
Friend: Arrived safely in Vietnam. See you in a few weeks!
Me: Glad to hear You've reached your destinASIAN!
Bonus points: I used the asian face character emoji!
At a friend of mine's wedding reception, we were all dancing to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO. The groom's dad comes out and dances in the middle and before leaving the middle of the dance floor yells: "I'm sixty and I know it!"
LMFAO Schwartz
He was bee-headed.
I was going a water change in our fish tanks today while my boyfriend was at work. After I had finished, my boyfriend texted me.
Bf: "How do they look?" Me: "The fish tanks?" Bf: "Yeah." Me: "Full of water." Bf: "Lmfao"
He thinks my jokes are hilarious, which is why I'm dating him.
