A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Image belongs to cyanide and happiness it's not mine but thought you would enjoy it.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
its not mine but i found this and thought it was good so i am sharing it
Not mine but hay, its still pretty good
This isn’t mine and I don’t know who made it, but it’s been on my phone for so many years and I haven’t seen it on here yet. I hope you all love it as much as I do.
Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here.
reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
We must share our time with others, its not mine, yours nor his...
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
What chord does a piano make when it falls down a mine shaft?
Not mine, but it deserve to be here
Not mine but thought it deserved that be here
its not mine but i had to share it
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!
It's not mine but I found it on r/wholesomememes
A friend of mine sent me a photo of a cat dressed as Santa and said that its a Santa Claws...
A good friend of mine, who is a father, sent me an original joke of his creation today, an I wanted to share it because it was pretty good
He's someone who has been very creative in his ways when he delivers his jokes to his victims, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't see this one coming
He called me on the phone, saying he needed help with doing something, sounding fairly serious on phone. He said "soljakwinever I need your help with something on amazon. I keep searching for lighters and it's not working right. Can you open it on your phone for me" Recently he's been asking me for help with some computer stuff, I built it for him lately and it's got nothing problems, blue screens over stuff, he's very smart but I wouldn't say he's anywhere near 'tech-literate'. But his is getting issues like I've never seen. So I assumed he needed help with something like that. I answered "Sure Bryan. Let my just open the app." Pulling Amazon up on my phone. "So what did you need help with? Something about lighters" I ask. He replies still sounding serious "I keep searching for lighters and the app keeps showing me matches. Can you try it and see if that happens to me too." I type 'Lighter' into the search bar, submit the search and looking at my results, seeing product listings for lighters. "Looks normal to me. I'm seeing nothing but lighters" He responds starting to crack "Yeah! Nothing but matches!"
I got played.
EDIT: Wording fix
Mines in North Korea are called "Mines" when it should have been "Ours"
......not mine (credits to the person it belongs to.....
Wife: Our relationship is over....................
Me (through the walkie-talkie): Our relationship is what?, Over...
As we were driving, a friend of mine pointed to a bridge with a train on it and stated that the bridge didn't look very strong.
I replied that what it lacks in strength, it makes up for in training.
I attended a child’s birthday party of a rich friend of mine, and it was extremely formal.
For fun, we went Roberting for apples.
I buddy of mine gave me some flour made from ancient grains. Now I swap small bags of it for baked goods.
I get pie with a little spelt from my friends!
Not mine, but from Colin Mochrie in Whose Line Is It Anyway
“Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.”
"Can I borrow your butt? Mine has a crack in it."
The other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear.
The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."
Whale watching used to be a hobby of mine but I've decided to give it up...
I just can't see the porpoise anymore.
It’s a personal rule of mine to never tell jokes about sausages.
I told my sister "one time, a teacher of mine gave me a list of 10 puns so that I could make sense of them." She asked " well, did any of them make sense?" I told her "No pun in ten did." My sister laughed and said "I get it, did you intend that?" I said "Nope, unintended."
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three... ( this wasn't mine, i found it on imgur)
imgur.com/gallery/zRnm4dj
West Virginia isn't just a place; it's a state of mines
Whale watching used to be a hobby of mine but I've decided to give it up...
I just can't see the porpoise anymore.
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