Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.

I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACSchnitzersport
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tricky woman whose initials are P.B.?

Miss Lead!

..Y'know, because Lead is Pb on the periodic table..? All of my friends (okay fine, all one of my friends) just stared at me when I told him.. Thought you folks might appreciate it a little more...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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WTF isn't a title?
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sdoeden87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man

... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumFunnyOne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Initially the US was way behind other countries in COVID-19 cases.

Little did those countries know, the US had a Trump card.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Did you hear about Canada’s new green initiative?

They’re replacing plastic water bottles with a Canada water.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lanman33
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I had reservations about getting a hand transplant initially...

Afterwards, I felt differently.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Ladyfingers are the opposite of mentos

Dad hat tip to u/xcammanx

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lytical
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Working on a crossword puzzle. Can anyone tell me the first initial and last name of the lead actor from Cast Away?

Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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My dog initially barked when the people installing my shingles started then barked again as they finished...

Re-roofing complete.

*Edit: reworded punchline. I think it might be better said "replacing my shingles" but I cannot for the life of me edit that part...

*ahem* without hacking.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...

We called her Auntie Up.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Thinking of starting my own secret society that is really hard to become initiated into

I'll call it diffiCULT

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Relationship advice
πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlothsRevenge622
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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I was asked to give the first initial and last name of my favorite philosopher

But I said I Kant.

πŸ‘︎ 931
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avisser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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A patient was initially doubtful of the success rate and concerned about her upcoming heart transplant, but after some reassuring...

She had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NomeSoap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend just launched a new human rights initiative. I asked him how it's going.

"It's a work in progress."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are hippies good at social distancing?

Because they are used to being spaced out.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mstrfstr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
When I left the barbershop, I initially thought my hair was too short.

But it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoseFellas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
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What did Poppy the troll do when someone took her favourite Pixar DVD?

She got back Up again.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skepticCanary
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Initially, I was upset by my alien parasite

But then it grew on me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the active ingredient in self raising flour?

Initiative

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BorgClanZulu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Steve Harvey decided to not use initials for his computing company.

It was S.H.I.T.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PieterPoffer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my boyfriend as he was trying to initiate le sexy time.

Him: take off your clothes Me: What if I don't? Him: then I'll take off your clothes Me: why are you wearing my clothes?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hulahoop12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Wtf is an acronym
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harptarp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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What did the kidney say to the other organs once he enunciated them into his cult?

Urine.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliverb352007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The creator of the hokey pokey died from the coronavirus.

Only his closest family was at the funeral but they live streamed it on Zoom. Some degenerate hacked the feed and starting playing the hokey pokey audio and he kept putting his left foot in and out of the coffin. His family was initially horrified at the hack but later was able to laugh a little, out of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. They learned to live in the moment and remember the good moments of life, and that’s what it’s all about.

clap clap

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I had a haircut yesterday

I didn’t like it initially, but now it’s starting to grow on me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wxlson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Covid-19 breath conference today

Information to be presented by the World Health Organization, followed by the World Health Action Taskforce to talk about global initiatives, then a personal message of health by Dr. Irena Dun-Noh.

So WHOs on first, WHATs on second, I. Dun-Nohs on third

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway40k22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 922
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Came up with this in calculus class

A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.

"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."

A confused student asks, "y?"

"yβ‚€," says the professor.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamnomad101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.

They have been initially described as coniferous

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/me-no-smart
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] puns about dice (for wedding favours)

Our wedding is next weekend, and we are giving out personalized dice as our favours. We thought "thank you for coming" was a little too bland, and we'd like to spice it up with a dice pun. Any pun suggestions that also tie into the cutesy wedding/romantic setting? So far I've found "we make a great pair" and a lot of puns around the word "dicey", but I'm hoping you fine folks can help us out.

Edit: We are huge gamers which is why we went with the dice. This isn't a Vegas wedding or anything similar, so jackpot related jokes aren't quite what we're looking for. :)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirstybobirsty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Kiddy Dong Racing is the perfect example of a Spoonerism

Spoonerism: a verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more words, often to humorous effect.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moshiie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're cold at your desk...

Does that make you an ice cubicle?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kathri_Shiopan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I found what I suspect is a long-running dad joke in a drawer at my work. It's a quarter pounder. imgur.com/go2fngq
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natron5000_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
🚨︎ report
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AaronKClark
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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