As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants β€œWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...

For a closet racist.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Import-ant pun
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hesso921
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
NEWS reporter β€œAustralian border security caught teens trying to import 400 million dollars worth of ice”

Dad β€œif I knew ice was worth that much I’d put more in the fridge”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imakehamforalivin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Trump to Impose a Ban on All Imports of Pre Shredded Cheese

He wants to make America grate again.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chaotic_Narwhal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2017
🚨︎ report
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_patataa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.

"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."

But another person said,

"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"

The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the most important invention humanity has ever created?

Ventitian blinds, otherwise it'd be curtains for us all

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow482
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just placed childproof locks on all our important cabinets.

Can someone help me open our liqour cabinet?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is wearing glasses during math classes important?

It improves division.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/westsoutheast
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is sick in the hospital. Doctors tell her she only has days to live. She summons for her husband because she has something important to tell him. He rushes to the hospital.

When he arrives she says β€œI’ve decided what I want for dinner.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dano558
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the more important race, a 5k or a mile?

The 5k because a mile race doesn’t meter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has been cold to me lately, so I figured a hobby might make her more receptive to my advances. I figured why not stamp collecting? Well, I learned an important lesson...

Philately will get you nowhere

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Chairman Mao must be an important guy

My cat won't stop talking about him.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vasior
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is it important for a chicken coup to only have 2 doors?

Because otherwise it would be a chicken sedan.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneofchris
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Important questions being asked
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I had this weird argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I think I won.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the most important part of a Daylight Saving Time bill?

The sunset provision.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Judge1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Friendchip is important
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arnavgoel2006
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing

But it's what's inside that counts

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungrysamy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It's important never to cut funding for gritters.

Once you lose one it's a slippery slope.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nirdle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The most important thing to me is my alarm clock

It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
If you order a bust be made before you do anything important, let’s be honest.

You’re just getting a head of yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
The word "liner" is so important

that it's under "lined" in the dictionary.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Forgiveness is the most important part of a well balanced breakfast.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadaverkitten94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"

A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"

"Very SHADY things."

It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuberDuky009
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
And she calls it "This Land"

Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.

Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.

Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.

Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...

Take my glove

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care

I'm still three

You can't take this Skye from me

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a debate suggesting the environment isn’t that important after all.

It was pretty anti-climatic

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karrathan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
These are very important lab-reports
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_like_miniwheats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The most important question before choosing your future wife ...

Which is witch ?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tax on imported cow manure?

A doody duty

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dq72
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
But that’s not important right now
πŸ‘︎ 987
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πŸ‘€︎ u/originalripley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Super important
πŸ‘︎ 245
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Knightlocke3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the most important part of a joke timing?

(Timing)

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UofTCadet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I never knew making socially awkward comments was such an important part of playing golf...

But I always hearing the commentators saying "He needs to make this faux pas"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackoMabreda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are important

They are a big part of pop culture

πŸ‘︎ 586
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πŸ‘€︎ u/its-a-joke--chill
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Character spacing is important, for example: ...

...writing: "I have a music album". 🎢

...versus: "I have a musical bum". 🎺

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
In these dark times, it’s important we all continue to make puns.

You know, to make light of the situation the worlds in right now.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KiwahJooz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I use Ironman sounds in my phones event calander for important stuff.

It's a Stark reminder.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zerogummi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an important message to the staff of a building materials company?

An announcement

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I’d like to highlight the important part of my argument
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats the most important thing to be when living in Asgard with a corrupt police force?

Gotta be Low key

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llMezzll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It's important to lose closely at lawn signs during election campaigns....

Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cumsock17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Gravity is a very important part of our existence. What happens when you remove it?

You get gravy

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lafilafi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I think it’s so important to keep speeches short and meaningful, I just stand up and say plethora

It means a lot

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWilfred11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind

It was a very pivotal moment

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fumperdink06
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.

It could be a lifesaver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Natural numbers fail to understand the importance of decimal numbers.

They always miss the point.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I had this huge argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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