Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get ill?
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
Ill give ya
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The wife's mother was taken ill...
So I swiftly rushed off to find a pen and paper to write for an ambulance.
I told my friend his ‘hundred eggs in five days’ diet made me deathly ill.
He told me that was an eggsaturation.
I always know when my pals are going to be ill...
‘Cos I’m a forensic expert
I was tricked into buying an ill-fitting shirt while on vacation in a city in France.
A year ago, I got a subscription to a magazine for mentally ill people.
I knew a drug addict that was so desperate for a high he snorted curry powder. Got really ill and taken to hospital.
He was put in an induced korma.
This is an ill eagle image. (Don't worry, he's much better now.)
Ill always remember what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.
"Hey son you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
When your horoscope says you are going to fall ill this month
It's more of a horror scope
My friend had both his legs amputated and I get ill when I go near him.
I think that I might be lacktoes intolerant.
Illustrations like these are gene-rally ill-conceived eggsagerations
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
The Norwegian currency has taken ill.
It’s got the Kroner virus.
People who abuse steroids have ill-gotten gains
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
Whenever I feel ill, I look for a cure
For their 50th anniversary, my parents went on vacation, but unfortunately, my dad got really ill. When they got back, I asked, "Dad, what made you so sick in Hawaii?" He laughed and said...
TIL: There’s a long lost episode where Superman nearly dies because of an ill-fitting costume.
Why are nuns' outfits always ill-fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
How do you restrain a mentally ill country singer?
Use a George Strait jacket.
Ripped the knee of my pants today. Guess ill be using them for church from now on..
Since they became holy and all.
Ill be watching you
A fish joined The Police the other day
It was the Sting ray
Bill Gates was feeling a little ill.
He turned to his wife and said, “Honey it’s really awful. I feel like a million dollars.”
I thought this was ill eagle but maybe I'm mistaken
What do you call an ill instagram model?
Hansel and Gretel were both quite ill before they met the witch.
They had Munch housen syndrome.
What’s the difference between illegal and ill-egal
Ones against the law and the other is a sick bird.
Why did the farmer start dancing in the pasture when his cows became ill?
Because of all the moosick!
I phoned up my boss. I said, "I won't be coming in today. I'm really very ill."
"Nonsense!" he replied. "What is your reason?"
"It's this rare illness," I told him. "Very rare."
"Well, what is it?" he insisted.
I said, "I get sick whenever someone answers the phone."
How can you tell if a small bucket is ill?
The German Christmas bread was ill-gotten...
You could say it was stollen.
Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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