Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get ill?

Jerry can.

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/graemeboyle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , β€œbury me with records galore”

It was his vinyl resting place

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Ill give ya

First one to upvote and comment gets my free reward

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MertAltun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The wife's mother was taken ill...

So I swiftly rushed off to find a pen and paper to write for an ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mex5150
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend his β€˜hundred eggs in five days’ diet made me deathly ill.

He told me that was an eggsaturation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duzervee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I always know when my pals are going to be ill...

β€˜Cos I’m a forensic expert

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was tricked into buying an ill-fitting shirt while on vacation in a city in France.

It was Toulouse.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A year ago, I got a subscription to a magazine for mentally ill people.

Now I have many issues.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommanderKooKoo6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew a drug addict that was so desperate for a high he snorted curry powder. Got really ill and taken to hospital.

He was put in an induced korma.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDobble
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Is Kim Jong ill?

Or is Kim Jong urn?

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
This is an ill eagle image. (Don't worry, he's much better now.)
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_PoodlePants
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Kim Jong-ill
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yesmodeset
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Ill always remember what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yergaflerga
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
When your horoscope says you are going to fall ill this month

It's more of a horror scope

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyool_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend had both his legs amputated and I get ill when I go near him.

I think that I might be lacktoes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oheligud
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Illustrations like these are gene-rally ill-conceived eggsagerations
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mehssie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The Norwegian currency has taken ill.

It’s got the Kroner virus.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
People who abuse steroids have ill-gotten gains
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Max_Is_Homo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me

Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lerrou
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Ill tell you what...

What

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shutdownbyanxiety
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I feel ill, I look for a cure

...in BACON!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
For their 50th anniversary, my parents went on vacation, but unfortunately, my dad got really ill. When they got back, I asked, "Dad, what made you so sick in Hawaii?" He laughed and said...

"Poi, son."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Ill eagle
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernametakenexe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
TIL: There’s a long lost episode where Superman nearly dies because of an ill-fitting costume.

He had a narrow S cape.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are nuns' outfits always ill-fitting?

Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ak_illustration
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you restrain a mentally ill country singer?

Use a George Strait jacket.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Mark Ham-ill
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordSidewalk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Ripped the knee of my pants today. Guess ill be using them for church from now on..

Since they became holy and all.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondeddd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Ill be watching you

A fish joined The Police the other day

It was the Sting ray

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BopWithTheMop
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Bill Gates was feeling a little ill.

He turned to his wife and said, β€œHoney it’s really awful. I feel like a million dollars.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought this was ill eagle but maybe I'm mistaken
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aushire
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ill instagram model?

An influenza

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhjsnsennd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Hansel and Gretel were both quite ill before they met the witch.

They had Munch housen syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between illegal and ill-egal

Ones against the law and the other is a sick bird.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sersi78
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the farmer start dancing in the pasture when his cows became ill?

Because of all the moosick!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wer190
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I phoned up my boss. I said, "I won't be coming in today. I'm really very ill."

"Nonsense!" he replied. "What is your reason?"

"It's this rare illness," I told him. "Very rare."

"Well, what is it?" he insisted.

I said, "I get sick whenever someone answers the phone."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if a small bucket is ill?

It looks a little pail.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BD8D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
🚨︎ report
The German Christmas bread was ill-gotten...

You could say it was stollen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrbazoota
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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