When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
What do you call Batman when he's badly hurt ?
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
Medusa tried to get a job in the microbiology lab, but all her samples turned out badly.
After getting badly hurt, my friend asked me not to sugar coat it
So I used stevia instead.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a badly dressed man on a bicycle?
Why does HP treat it's assembly workers so badly?
Because if they lovedcrafting them, they'd become eldritch horrors
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring...
Blanch: "Why did pickling upset you so badly? Is everything ok?" Me: "The whole experience was quite jarring...."
Blanch: "I get it. That can leave you in a bad headspace but, I'm an open kettle - you can tell me anything."
Me: "I just need to vent, Blanch."
I cut my tongue so badly it needs surgery to fix!
I can't tell you how much it hurts!
Do you know what happens when you are badly injured playing a game of peekaboo?
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal.
I can play guitar very badly.
Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
The music teacher had me arrested for playing badly.
My son said, “Dad, I have to pee very badly!”
I said “Son, you’re 14. You should be pretty good at that by now.”
I bought a book of magic tricks. It’s badly written and none of the tricks work.
I guess the magician writer didn’t use spell check.
The blind date was going badly until we found out we shared one thing...
So all of the deserts were playing a game were they tried to steal each other, the cookies were stealing the scones and the danishes were stealing the ice cream and they were all doing it pretty badly but the pie
What did the ER doctor say when the paramedic brought in a badly burnt patient?
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
You could truthfully call a badly-put-together orgy a clusterfuck.
When people are treeted badly, after a point,
What do you call a badly done circumcision?
I smelled pretty badly after working at the sewage plant then working out, but went in for a hug from my wife anyway...
She gave me the stink eye as she recoiled away.
The metal gate at the old mansion was badly decayed...
As though it were made of "rot" iron.
I failed Chemistry so badly
that my grade was an Absolute Zero.
What do you do when your kid is treated badly in school?
My standup routine about statistical inaccuracy went really badly...
It was a comedy of errors.
I Dadjoked my parents so badly, my dad didn't get it at first.
Background: last night we had a random insurgence of ants invade our bathroom. We successfully killed most of them with spray and bait, but it left tiny ant carcasses all over the bathroom floor. This morning my mom cleaned the entire bathroom leaving it spotless.
Mom and dad are now relaxing in the living room after mom has cleaned the bathroom:
Me: mom, I really appreciate your cleaning the bathroom, but now our whole family is going to get sick.
Mom: why?
Me: you got rid of all our anti-bodies
Mom groans, I give her a huge grin. My dad didn't get it at first, but after my mom explained it he groaned and said "I'm proud I raised a daughter with such a great sense of humor"
My 3yr-old scratched up his head pretty badly in a fall the other day. Once he had finished crying he dad-joked "What's my favorite plant?"
Dadjoked my dad pretty badly a few minutes ago.
Dad: Frucknog! Come in here
Me: What's up?
Dad: open this jar for me, my hands are all wet.
Me: Why do I need to open it, it's already ajar!
We had a good laugh. The rest of my family hates our jokes :(
I got my roomate really badly
My roomate is watching ECW's One Night Stand (Its a WWE thing) and I said "I dont understand, why hasn't anyone brought a night stand to one night stand before?" As my roomate is shaking his head, my suitemate's friend is on the floor dying in the next room and I am laughing at myself going to bed.
The high school choir was singing badly during graduation last night
Dad: Something is wrong with that song.
Me: Lauren says it is from Rent.
Me: It's about AIDS she says.
Dad: They ought to return it.
http://i.imgur.com/7lsPNQZ.jpg
Bank Teller got dad joked pretty badly by my dad
Leaving for vacation and my dad cashes in his coins he's been saving. We bring the voucher up to the teller.
Bank Teller: okay sir how would you like your money?
Dad: US currency preferably
Bank teller: long awkward pause as she gets him money
When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly.
And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.
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