Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins

Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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I bought something for $4.50 and gave the store clerk a five. Instead of giving me back two quarters he ripped a dollar in half and handed it to me.

There was no cents to that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sum_buddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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Why would you never rip a dollar in half?

Because it doesn't make any cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackCrunch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
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A man finds a magic lamp

He runs the lamp and a genie pops outs, and says, β€œI’ll grant you three wishes, but your ex wife gets twice whatever you wish for.” The man thinks for a minute and says, β€œOkay first wish is for a million dollars.” β€œOkay” says the genie, β€œyour ex wife also now has two million dollars” The man thinks for another minute and says, β€œ I wish for a Lamborghini” β€œAs you wish” says the genie β€œyour ex now has two Lamborghinis” Finally after a few minutes the man says, β€œfor my final wish, I wanna be beaten half to death”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cnechiporenko
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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I made this up today hope its alright here

Went to the bird store today Went to the cage section and one caught my eye. It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it. I asked why it was so much?

The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disturbed56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Dadjoked the little sister today.

Her: Wow, look at this coin purse. It cost twelve dollars.

Me: Why is it that expensive? It looks like it's worth less than half that.

Her: Well, you know...it is the Vera Bradley brand, and name-brand things always cost more.

Me: Well it seems like that is vera bradley priced.

I^felt^so^proud

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Hail joke

Referring to the news channel's explanation of the tornado warning in Sacramento, CA, my dad yelled sarcastically from downstairs:

"Half dollar sized hail!...how much does a piece of hail cost?!"

I could practically hear the look on his face when I didn't respond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michigander47
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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got my mom yesterday...

we were in the car and my mom showed me a pic with like 50 people on facebook and she said "this is only a quarter of our family" and I said "really? I'd hate to see a half dollar"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dylanbh9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
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My dad at every yard sale he goes to,

"Where's the box of half off one hundred dollar bills?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Caught_Abra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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I was working the ticket drop at the movie theater last night...

Dad spends 35 dollars on tickets for him and his family to see Divergent.

As the group approaches the ticket drop, I hear the dad ask the mom what half of 35 is. She says "17 and half" and the dad gets this big shit eating grin. I rip their ticket stubs and the dad puts on a serious face and says "All right, I'd like $17.50 back please."

The whole family proceeds to groan and tell him to stop as I reluctantly play along and pretend to find some cash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurame21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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