My New Year’s Resolution this year is to stop second guessing everything.
Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
Not to brag, but I have this uncanny ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.
You can say.....it’s a gift.
I'm guessing she was eggselent at counting.
https://preview.redd.it/vzqq0rjck4l31.png?width=703&format=png&auto=webp&s=5ad29bbb0a2b1351b83a74828286f10ae7cb0586
Someone told me I'm always second guessing myself. I don't do that.
Better call the bullpen if you need help guessing this pun
I’m guessing that the Banksy painting was from Lars Ulrich’s collection.
Seeing as how it was Hardwired to Self-Destruct.
The other day I was second guessing my decision to book time to visit a Native American community...
It was a reservation reservation reservation.
Dad was talking about guessing weight...
He said he's so good at it because he was born in a time before scales - even fish were naked.
I'm guessing Costco is the origin of many dadjokes
My wife just received this email from her dad.
http://imgur.com/UA3kgN1
Guessing my 60 year old dad wants some tits
Dad: well, what do you wanna do? Wanna do something?
Mom: i don't know, not much to do.
Dad: yeah I might go take a walk in the woods.
Mom: yeah? And get ticks?
Dad: Tits? I'd be glad to get some tits
Mom: groan
Guess they should read the bio next time
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess I’m a dad now!
I guess you can see he has a lot of horsepower
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person 😔
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the “Guess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
How often do pirate attacks occur?
Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..
Guess the pun behind my wreath this year
I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.
I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn
i guess the crowd wasn't orderly orderly orderly though
Boss: How's that new glue?
I guess the lion spotted a cheater
I just went to get my glasses fixed and you’ll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
That’s right!
.... Everyone.
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
guess what my dad won’t let me put on my car?
dammit, I’m not even allowed to mark this post as a spoiler
I guess it's time to answer the call of Nature..💩
The inventor of the Velcro has died.
There's a rumour going around about two waves racing to the beach. Can you guess which one won?
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed...
What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
They just don’t taste right!
I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.
It was too time consuming.
2018: « Yo, dude, get woke. » 2019: « C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! » 2020: «... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. »
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!
You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.
You can say.... it’s a gift.
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what's inside a wrapped present.
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
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