My dad was a policeman of few words. When he guarded an ancient Egyptian Christian burial chamber he was...

A cryptic cop in a Coptic crypt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I only like two deodorants, Sure and Right Guard

Feel free to disagree, that’s just my two scents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toby-carvery-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Who'd want to be Trump's security guard ?

you shout "Donald, Duck" & everybody would just laugh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fitblubber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Are the guards at the Paralympics armed?

Or is that considered cheating?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YolkyBoii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Don't let your guard down.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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What do dentists and security guards have in common?

Cavity searches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bogtownboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Why didn't the life guard save the hippy from drowning?

Because he was too far out man.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jmf95-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.

When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What do you call security guards who guard Samsung stores.

Guardians of the Galaxies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beingjac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.

The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karanrime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What do you call a guard at the Samsung store?

A guardian of the galaxy!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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A midget escaped from prison by using bed sheets tied together and scaled down the outside wall. He left a note detailing his escape plan, highlighting the prison guards stupidity and incompetence.

The Warden said "he's a little condescending"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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What do you call a security guard at a swimming pool?

The poolice

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohhnoitsmeagain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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What did the kindergarten teacher say to the kindergarten security guard?

You can watch the kids, but don't Overwatch them.

That's just creepy...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnusualPete
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Last November 5, i was caught off guard when I was approached by a stranger angrily telling me to butt out of his romantic affairs.

As if i care who that Guy FΓ—Γ—Γ—Γ—s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you think Shakira calls her body guards her shakiraty guards?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

πŸ‘︎ 802
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Ordering pizza with my 3 year old.

Me: do you want ranch or blue cheese? 3yr old: ranch is for horses

Little guy Caught me off guard lol

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjorazi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?

one watches cells and one sells watches

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxian213
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.

They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.

I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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When does the dwarf that is a knight, guard the castle?

Mid-knight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lord_nikon_burned
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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The presidents guards aren’t allowed to scream β€œget down” before the president is attacked anymore.

They have to yell β€œDonald, Duck!”

Edit: whoever gave me the gold award, thank you so much. I would repay you in a way, but I don’t know who you are.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiiam_larry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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What do you call a security guard for a trampoline?

A bouncer

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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How do guards decide who the best prisoner is?

They hold a con-test.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/morsodo99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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This caught me off guard
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Escape

A blonde, brunette and a red head escape from prison. While running across a field they hear the guards coming and being tired, the red head suggested hiding in some potato sacks they found.

When the guards reached the sacks one kicked the bag containing the red head, she went meow meow. "Just a sack of kittens" said the guard. Then he kicked the brunettes bag, she went woof woof. "Just a bag of puppies". Lastly he kicked the blondes bag and she went potato potato.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/syhendrickson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently, having a guard stationed outside your home

Is a practice thats sentries old

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pLeThOrAx
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Who was the Knight that was caught off guard in the battle field?

Sir Prise

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_peky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Prisoner: "I am sorry, I tried to escape."

Guard: "I'm not mad, just disappointed."

(Remember kids, never let your guard down)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a really great joke about the Army Reserve and National Guard...

But it only works one weekend out of the month.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesmazingj
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I met the world’s greatest security guard the other day. When I asked him the secret, he said it was all in his name.

Barry R.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenialTwister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to give a guard a toy before I was allowed to go fishing in the lake...

I guess that's the Fisher Price.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magedmyself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Samsung store’s security guard

A guardian of the Galaxy Credit:u/eatsleeprepeat101_

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hidininthetrees
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do the swiss guard and swiss cheese have in common?

They're both known for their holiness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majike03
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What was it like being surrounded by all those guards and prisoners?

Well there were pros and cons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alienacean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I killed the guards for internet to post this,they are coming soon,1 upvote= 1 dies
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swaggymelon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the life guard save the hippy?

Because he was too far out, man

πŸ‘︎ 462
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πŸ‘€︎ u/50pciggy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the guards of a Samsung store?

The Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gamingfreak207
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife volunteers as a crossing guard, but gets really mad at me when I tell everyone about it.

I say, β€œShe’s into human trafficking.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/detrickster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard at a samsung store

Guardian of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-_Anirban_-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 541
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Automated-Waffles
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samuelcbadams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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