Grandma's Hands Puns

On the other hand, she had warts.

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

Took my precious grandparents to Cold Stone for a late night snack. After waiting line, trying many samples and finally ordering and getting our ice cream, my grandma goes to pay. After some searching, she hands the cashier her rewards card and continues to search for her money. After a little more fumbling, she looks up to see the cashier with a funny look on her face and tells my grandma she can't use that card. My grandma is confused and asks, "why, is it expired?" To which the young girl responds, "no, it's just that we're not Ohmaha Steaks."

My grandma is super embarrassed and my grandpa turns to me and says, "it seems your grandma has a case of cardszheimers."

My family was sitting around the table eating lunch and talking about how it's almost impossible to have true vacation time anymore. My grandma chucks in, "Your time is valuable." My dad immediately replies:

"Thyme is actually pretty inexpensive. Saffron, on the other hand, is quite valuable."

I love my dad.

Grandma: He's grown, hasn't he?

Dad (putting hand on top of my head): No, he still reaches to the bottom of my hand.

Visiting with my grandma today who just recently left the hospital.

Me: "how are you feeling?"

Grandma: "with my hands"

Conversation during breakfast (friend told me about it):

Grandma: So this friend of mine died from this, and this other one died from that...

Dad: And some people, in the other hand, die from death.

Friend: *slowly eats cereal, groaning*