It was all legal tender
The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.
Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.
I lost it.
Happy Fathers day weekend!
They think it's poultrygeist.
Because its Seoul food
Legs βn dairy
Guess it really was sole food.
Itβs a vast right wing conspiracy
She replied, "oh you batter not!"
Colonel Slanders
Last night my parents came over for dinner, so we decided to order some fried chicken from one of our favorite restaurants.
My mom called in the order and placed it under my dad's name "Jon".
My dad and I go to pick up the chicken when it's ready, as we walk into the restaurant the lady at the front says "Are you here for Jon?"
Without any hesitation my dad says, "No, I'm here for chicken."
He chuckled to himself for a few seconds before letting the lady know that in fact yes, we were there to pick up the order.
...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.
One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered.
He said, "Well, back to the old raw wing board."
Can someone tell me why my post was removed?
I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘There was a new girl from Kentucky in his class. He asked her "how's the fried chicken?". Long story short she gave him her phone number. I'm so proud and still laughing π
1 GB.
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said βwell then weβll just have to raise some chickens.β
I reply, βwell what about Max?β, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, βwell he canβt lay eggsβ
Do you have any idea how hard it is to teach a chicken how to fry?
Its impeccableβ¦
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
Wife: I'm trying to decide between two burgers or the chicken fried steak.
Me: There is no way you can eat two burgers, I would go with the steak.
Wife: angry stare.
He didn't seem impressed. "No fried chicken." He exclaimed.
Later that night at the table I complained about how dry the chicken was. He handed me the tablet and said, "Sobreadit."
Fiance: "For 4.50 Euros I got fries, a large drink and a long chicken"
Me: "That's called a goose"
He told me to leave.
We were eating at a Chinese food buffet. A fry stuck to his teriyaki chicken and I said "decided to have fried chicken huh?". Later when he opened a fortune cookie to find it empty I said "how unfortunate for you". He was disgusted with me. I was proud.
Make it the reeses sort
My sister works as a social worker dealing with adults with intellectual disabilities. This happened today.
The staff was talking to the clients about food and fast food chains.
Staff: Where is your favorite place to get your fried chicken from?
Client: From my plate.
We got fried chicken take-out tonight, when:
Wife: Are thighs white or dark meat?
Me: Dark.
Wife: Then what's the other white meat?
Me: Pork.
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnβt chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? βMy Fare, Ladyβ.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physicianβs garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
βWhatβs purple and 5000 miles long?β βOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!β
Every calendarβs days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. βFour bucks,β says the bartender. βPut it on my bill.β
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heβs a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle canβt stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit β‘Why didnβt the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frogβs finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon
If you canβt get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youβre bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpβs cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesnβt whisper βHere comes the Baconatorβ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
Iβll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatβs not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we donβt build a wall on our northern border, theyβll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverβ¦because Iβm Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youβre getting extr
... keep reading on reddit β‘Not being well-acquainted with Indian food, we ordered an appetizer at random. It was deep fried and we couldn't really tell what was in it.
Her: For all we know, we could be eating chicken eyes right now.
Me: Nah, I'm pretty sure I know how they look.
She sighed, but failed in stifling her smile.
I'm only twenty two, but I can feel the dadforce growing in me.
Man who cooks meat and peas in same pot... Is unhygienic!
(Every time my dad makes chicken fried rice)
So my wife and I were making some fried chicken wings tonight. So I asked her:
Me: "Did you make these from a recipe?"
Her: "Well I didn't just WING it!"
Me: "Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I see what you did there."
Her: "What?" she thinks for a bit and then just gives me a stare.
Later on in the conversation we're discussing how it's been a long day and wings sound good.
Me: "Wings and Alcohol sound like a great combo for today."
Her: "Well it is FRIday."
Me: "Heyoooooo!!!! Nice one."
Her: she just glares at me
....
I secretly think she's an awesome dad. Either that or my puns are infiltrating every corner of her mind.
From a trademark case filed by Zatarain's (the jambalaya guys) regarding competitor's "Chicken Fry" and "Fish Fry". Zatarain's lost at the district level and appealed.
"Battered, but not fried, Zatarain's appeals from the adverse judgment on several grounds."
I audibly groaned.
Me: "Hey, you can get 2 Whopper Jrs and 2 small fries for 4 bucks. That's a good deal I guess."
Wife: "Well, it's kinda just like a dollar menu.
Points to each item "Buck, buck, buck, buck."
Me: "Nah, that's the chicken."
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘eggs first, for breakfast! fried chicken for dinner!
Having lunch with my old man today and we both had a fried chicken sandwich that had a fried egg on it (it was delicious). So my Dad, being a dad said "what do you taste first, the chicken or the egg? It's an evolutionary sandwich!"
He just had to get out of there because he heard that Kentucky fried chicken!
It's simple. Just fry the chicken. Which part of it did you nugget?
