The police are treating it as a hummuside
Moooooooooore!
I've never been this proud of anything in my life.
I told I wasn't comfortable with her online dating.
(came up with this on the spot and I was so proud)
"Hello, dolly."
He popped
I guess that’s how you feed two birds with one scone.
Moo-chas gracias
Inspired by u/etherarcher
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
I replied, "No, it doesn't!"
Adapted from r/jokes credit to u/808gecko808
If she yells at me one more time for impersonating a flamingo, I'm going to have to put my foot down.
Because they are already good at delivering
Fed Up
They're going to be known as FedUp from now on.
Who would want their mail from Fed-Up?
At Home Depot buying Sod.
College age Cashier- ok sir, total is $205.42
Me- wow I haven’t spent that much on grass since college….
Cashier- blank face
Can’t win’em all I guess.
She's my fed ex.
She’s WAY too arrowgant.
had de-livered my package.
I said, “So you’re guanaco? OK, alpaca your bags.”
After voicing her frustrations at him for over an hour she tells him, "You've just been sitting there this whole time and you haven't even said a single word! Is there anything you'd care to contribute to this conversation about why you still don't have a job?"
"Nothing to add," he replies.
I fed it hot dogs but it stopped eating them. The vet said that my Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.
The steaks have never been higher.
...but I think that working with free range realtors is a more ethical choice.
FedUp
So the clone is an exact duplicate, all of his talents and experience, so he sends him to work. Clone does great work, but within a few days, he comes home with a written warning. Turns out the guy has a filthy mouth, and has offended everyone. So the original guy has him stay home at their high rise and he goes back to work and apologizes. He gets home and the building is in an uproar. Guy has been swearing at the doorman, other tenants and the super. Original guy gets fed up and offers to take him to the to top floor for the view. Then he throws him over the edge.
Gets back to the apartment and the police are there to arrest him. The charge? Making an obcene clone fall.
Ones a bucket and the other is a Buckate.
A disenchantelope.
Fed Ex .
Not everybody gets it.
He likes his meat to be only free range and grass fed
They're calling the new company FedUp.
“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.
She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.
When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
When you take someone you were previously romantically involved with for dinner
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
So I packed up and right.
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn't”
They will be Fed-Up!
"OK", I said, "Alpaca my bags".
“Whatever means necessary,” she replied.
“No it doesn’t,” I said.
The police are treating it as a hummuside
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
