My eldest wanted to know why I wouldn't lend him any of my tools, but I let his younger brother, the prodigal son, borrow whatever equipment he wants.

Simple, I said, the prodigal son returns...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PTAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Listening to the radio, my eldest asks: β€œWhat’s green energy?”

β€œWell see, you take blue energy and yellow energy and mix them together…”

And then my youngest adds in β€œYea, yellow and blue make green!”

Eldest was unsatisfied with that answer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SednaBoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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Got my daughters with this one: Eldest: Dad are you ready to go yet?

Me: Digital Potato.

Youngest: WHAT!?

Eldest: What is that supposed to mean?

Me: iYam.

Bonus: Later that day eldest states she has the urge to replay Portal 2.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarkroe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2014
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Proud dad moment

My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning.

My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up.

"Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!".

So proud...

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Seth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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[meta] Does anyone else spend 15 minutes explaining things to their kids just to tell a 5 second joke?

Or is it just me? My eldest is 8 but I still had to show him what a zippo was before I laid the hippo/zippo one on him.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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Channeling The Beatles

So my wife and eldest daughter are in the dining room and I’m in the kitchen. They are talking about parking a car at school, and getting the ticket that allows this from the office. I step into the room:

Me: β€œYou guys are talking about a ticket to park?”

Kid: β€œYeah”

Me: β€œBut I thought Paul McCartney said it was a ticket to ride...”

Wife: β€œShut up dear”

I look at the kid and point to my wife:

β€œShe don’t care.....”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trazom28
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Today my wife finally made it to the dark side after years of groans

So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.

My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..

My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..

Achievement unlocked..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrowlinson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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Post your most recent, facepalm-inducing puns!

[during tonight's Minnesota Wild/Chicago Blackhawks game]

Me: "Hey, do you want to hear a hockey joke?"

Eldest sister: "No."

Me: "OK. Just checking."

Your turn! Make me cringe! :D

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metallica93
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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Topic: Perception

Sepp was a successful business man, who had married a known "gold digger" -- After Sepp's death, his eldest made claim to the estate, but his evil step mother told the lawyers "well that claim is just per Sepp's son"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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My son introduced his new girlfriend to our family last night…

"This is my dad Roger," he said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the eldest?"

He answered with a smile, "My dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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Why are all dadjokes just puns?

Serious question. I'm a dad, and I have several long-running jokes with my kids.

E.g., there's a "radiator monster" in the basement. Yeah, that knocking sound when we turn the steam up in the morning. Well, my eldest is getting smarter and smarter, but he still can't refute my claim that there is such a monster. Because he's not yet aware of the actual cause of the knocking/banging.

So, he's unsure!

This is a good Dad-joke, no?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WellThenScrewIt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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Chicken Tonight

Our eldest son is not a very enthusiastic eater. He picks at his food and ends up usually not eating much, to the frustration of his parents. Anyhow, it was the usual tonight and I got a little frustrated. I gave a Dad-head turn coupled with a Dad-glare; sternly told him a Dad-reason to eat more; and topped it off with a Dad-joke...

"Don't balk at eating your chicken!" He laughed and took a bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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My 12 year old daughter started a dad joke chain, and I finished it.

Background: I have the names and birth dates of each of my two daughters on my calves. 12 year old on the right, 8 year old in the left.

Today, my eldest was looking at my tats and said to the babysitter, "Well, I guess I'm 'all right' with dad!".

The baby sitter said something to the effect of, "That's silly."

So I looked at my daughter, winked and said to the babysitter, "Well, she is right."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fitzlurker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
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I think my youngest sister has the potential to be a great dad one day.

Both of my sisters have runny noses.

Eldest sister: My runny nose is so gross.

Youngest sister: Mine is snot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/horosupa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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Boop!

So my wife and my eldest daughter were having a boop war, each trying to get in the last boop. As they were fighting with each other's hands over my shoulder, I commented, "keep your hands off her boops!" My daughter cracked up and my long suffering wife slapped me.

Edit: Grammar from my grammar Nazi daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrbanDad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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