Dual Monitors
πŸ‘︎ 250
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daveeeeeeep
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Grades (dual joke)

Billy: "Dad!"

Dad: "Yes Billy, what's wrong?"

Billy: "How do I get good grades?"

Dad: "Well, Billy. To get good grades you have to B paying attention A lot and after Some time you will C that D time and F-ort you spent on homework actually payed off. and then you just have to do that until your E-gr parents can praise you for your hard work.

2 hours later.

Phone: Rings

Dad: "Hello!"

Billy: "So dad, how much money should I give to her?"

Dad: "To who!?"

Billy: "To a girl in my class. You said that to get good grades then all I had to do was to give her money. Attention says it will be fine with 20$, but I don't know."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
x-post from funny: Misspell 'dual monitors' prompts wonderful dad-jokes
πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vincentrose88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
🚨︎ report
What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfalberto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Found on r/dankmemes, but it fits here
πŸ‘︎ 276
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Hey, anyone know any good Sword fighting puns ? Trying to think of any

.. words with a dual meaning.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Is a crappy cash register...

...a POS?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call conjoined dolphins

Dual porpoise

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Some fights are illuminating
πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/confluencer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Pulled a nice one at dinner with my mother (may be confusing for non-Spanish speakers)

We went out to eat at a Cuban place and my mother had ordered some food with a side of tostones (a plantain dish). She complained that they had too much garlic to which I made a joke:

"Yeah, as soon as you bit into it, you tatsed the garlic and were like , 'Β‘Ajo!'"

(Β‘Ajo! is a Spanish exclamatory similar to "ooooooh" or "oh my goodnes." It doesn't have a direct English equivalent but that's what it means. The Spanish word for garlic also happens to be ajo, so I made a pun playing off the dual meaning of the word. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. )

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicCam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call two rows of cabbages in a field?

A dual cabbage way

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arcticsandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Took wife and son to science night. There was an animal biologist there.

He brought out a lizard to show everyone, then a second one of the same type.

I turned to my wife.

Wife: "Don't"

Me: "Look! He's got dual monitors!"

My son groaned and my work was done.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VictoriousBadger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
🚨︎ report
My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad just woke up from a quadruple heart bypass

My Dad just had a Cardiac Arterial Bypass Graft (Cabg for short). When we were allowed to see him on the ward his first words were 'do you know where we are?'

Worried he was still confused from the drugs we told him 'ITU Dad, you've just had surgery?'

'No,' he said, 'we're on a dual cabbage way.'

Thanks Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/morovai
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
🚨︎ report
One for the other ear

As my son is playing with a piece of clear tape and put it on his hand...

Grandpa: now you need one for the other hand.... You can put them on your ears and have dual stereo tapes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WheelsAndGears
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.