I won a contest for draining the most water out of a towel...

I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Are you draining the liquid out of your yogurt?

No whey!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agoodleaf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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There’s some money down the drain
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charltskisaurus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.

I like to keep all my bases covered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What did the pasta say after the chef didn't drain all the water?

"I'm getting a re-straining order!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChildishhReddit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I don't like people who take drugs...

For example, airport security.

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsanityRose7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
And then go down the drain.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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I can't think of a better way to cross the lake

Canoe?

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alecdoconnor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What do you call glasses that drain your energy?

Pair o' sights!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileSunflower
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids laughed when they saw me chase a penny which rolled down the drain.

They were having fun at my ex pence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour came over to ask if I'd help him drain pasta at the weekend.

I told him I'd have to check my colander.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeThosePenguins
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I met a Mexican fellow that always seemed very pale, as tho drained of color...

He's wan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a cyst on my back and my wife helped me drain it. She won the pun war that night.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yme159753
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
what did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?

That's just grate.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife started hitting me because I drained her phone by playing video games.

She might be charged with battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
felony

today i tripped and fell down

and my face hit the letter E on a sewer drain cover

and then the police came and charged me with felony

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I blessed the drains down in Africa
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iandouglas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Germans have a word for everything..

It is "alles".

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-jFk-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Sink was clogged so I bought off-brand Liquid Plumber. Boy was that money down the drain.
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…

Let that sink in…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTMOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.

If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brownie-mix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.

I said I'd check my colander.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Money down the drain
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!

She told em to pipe down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
At one point in my life I wanted to become a plumber

But it was too draining

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Ted's wife was a horrible cook. She served mashed potatoes that were so runny, that his whole plate resembled soup. Even though she insisted that she drained the pasta, her spaghetti was so watery that the sauce ran off the plate. Ted had no choice...

...he was forced to take out a restraining order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What should you do before buying a new drain stopper for your sink?

First you should take it out for a spin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrollButtons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I bless the drains down in Africa imgur.com/gallery/u6TIQHQ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iandouglas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
The quality of puns in this sub have really gone down the drain... just let that sink in.
πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cesoir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Amazing fact: right now, there's a basin with a drain pipe and faucet waiting outside your front door.

Let that sink in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I had the world’s best showerthought but it got washed down the drain. Now it’s just a pipe dream.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SettingsData
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
🚨︎ report
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?

When you're feeling drained.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilWifeB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a knight doctor that drains many abscesses?

Sir Lancelot

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Had to repair the drain today imgur.com/TUDBTLI
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nelson_Pancakes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad drained the life out of me with this one

I told him I wrote a paper about Dracula. His response was "Did it suck?"

I'm undead now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stonedmariguana
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:

β€œHey, I peed in the sink”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswaterreallywet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."

I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad got me good before, took a second sadly :s

Me; the moons almost full.

Dad; there's a plug at the bottom, drain it out.

Ffs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cuntsack789
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The neighborhood had some new drains for rain water put in...

It was a grate idea.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1Man1Mission
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Bought drain plugs

They were to small, so i respond with well there goes $0.99 down the drain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tank_yhou
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
🚨︎ report
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.

One got pissed off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXKilltheBearXx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked, "What's wrong honey?" I sighed, "I’m just not having much luck with jobs lately."

"I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn’t suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn’t cut it as barber, didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, didn’t fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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