He's wan.
She might be charged with battery.
...he was forced to take out a restraining order.
I told him I wrote a paper about Dracula. His response was "Did it suck?"
I'm undead now.
It’s because they charge a lot.
I like to keep all my bases covered.
"I'm getting a re-straining order!"
Canoe?
For example, airport security.
I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.
Pair o' sights!
They were having fun at my ex pence.
I told him I'd have to check my colander.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
That's just grate.
It's all downhill from here.
No whey!
today i tripped and fell down
and my face hit the letter E on a sewer drain cover
and then the police came and charged me with felony
I said I'd check my colander.
She told em to pipe down.
11.45 : arrived at crime scene
11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle
11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain
11.45 : Realised watch was broken
.
.
.
.
.
My son: but this is not a dad joke.
Me : what is a day joke then?
My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.
First you should take it out for a spin.
When you're feeling drained.
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
WORKING ON A JOB
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
Let that sink in…
Let that sink in
But it was too draining
Sir Lancelot
I’m never included in anything either.
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Me; the moons almost full.
Dad; there's a plug at the bottom, drain it out.
Ffs.
It was a grate idea.
They were to small, so i respond with well there goes $0.99 down the drain
"I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn’t suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn’t cut it as barber, didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, didn’t fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian!"
